i feel like someone is cranking a vice onto my sternum. that life is so far away. i can't decide if i am chanelling pain from my ailing grandmother, who is so close to passing its absurd or if it is just my excuse for coming to terms with my reality.

every breath in is a chore. every blink of an eye leads to more tears. and before the news of her truly impending death i was so happy. i had a plane ticket in my hand for thanksgiving and another for jaunt into a foreign place to meet new people. and now all i can think about is my chest. and the lack of breath, oxygen, and vitality in every limb in my body.

i am stuck somewhere between drowning and swimming in clear water, with strong kicks and steady movement. guess that puts me smack dab in a dog paddle.

go home? no idea. the answer isn't so clear anymore.

breathe one last time virginia, let us all rest together.

i hope you know how much we all loved you......