Attn Shoppers: Special on Lovesick individuals aisle five

new relationship. new challenges.

i spent a fair amount of the past few days in a futile attempt to figure out why i have been nauseated for the past few days. but i was surprised to discover that they were still butterflies and not nausea at all. i find myself attempting to draw a concrete map of why relationships make me so incredibly nervous. what i have discovered is as follows....

i am quick to fall for people, but slow to actually fall in love. i usually love people, in a colloquial sense of the term, almost immediately but then the actual process of falling in love with them is rather long and can be painful as it requires me to be so open and honest. raw and expossed. something that i do not enjoy in any way shape or form.

additionally there is the whole "what the hell is going to happen" phenomenon. and truly, i would like to skip the pleasantries and just fucking find a soul mate already. (sarcasm included for only 29.95 plus shipping and handling)

ann, the new significant other, is quite honestly flipping my world upside down. the relationship is equal, fair, honest, and open. we share pretty much everything in common, and the things we don't share (there are plenty of them) turn out to complement each other in a near perfection that makes me want to throw my body off a cliff in disbelief.

she has entered my life and turned me into a blubbering idiot who can do nothing but say "wow." and that is what i am doing. i need to live in the present: forget my future and past. i need to live in the now and be damn happy that i found this amazing women.

now...am i in love? negatory ghost writer. am i getting there? yup. how soon will i get there officially? who the fuck knows.

now this love is a different sort that i have been in a process of hit and miss with. i have had it for ages with some. and for flashes with others. but this one feels different. now i know i say this alot but i mean it this time.

digression:

college. i am over it. i want a house with sustainable bamboo flooring, a granite zen bathroom sink, green sea grass chairs from www.gaiam.com, modern furniture, two black walls painted with chalkboard paint, a small art studio, commissioned art work on my walls, a bedroom with an asian styled bed with bamboo in large vases around the room tucked inside is my partner and i, a kitchen with a dehydrator and a fridge to keep lots of veggies crisp, brightly colored accents to make me smile, linen curtains, old fashioned bathtubs, energy efficient heating, rooms pouring with light, and a dog. and hell...maybe even a horse as well that sits outside in a pasture and awaits to be ridden daily. and i want all of that--not now but five minutes ago. its frustrating to feel stuck in a rut with no place to go.

ok, enough of a vision that is a bit far away. but honestly folks, i want to start my life. i have a job waiting for me, a house to purchase with my inheritance, a few projects to keep me busy when i am not working, and a life that is just waiting for me to take hold of it. too bad i am still young and horridly restless.