feeling lost. completely alone. and yet i am not alone.
so i discovered today that my presenting 'learning disorder' that i have recently uncovered is normal for people like me to encounter when begining to practice/accept Buddhism. Buddhism teaches you to let go of your lots and clear your mind. the result, at times, is presenting yourself as spacey and an inablity to do basic tasks. who knew?
i think there is a much bigger problem beyond jay's assumed ADD diagnosis or frederick's buddhist diagnosis. i think i am wasted. gone. lost. simply broken. perhaps i need to search myself and figure out what i really want. because what i have in my life now is not what i want. i do not want to be a smith student...a popular friend among lesbians...attractive...i want to be loved by one person and one alone.
i simply want to be alone and in the quiet of my jumbled, completely broken mind. yet at the same time isn't that what i have been doing? isn't that what has broken me down? i just need to escape for a few days, weeks even. get away from it all.
i feel completely unable to comfort those that i love right now. from the past to the present to the future. each of them have begun to seek others for solace. am i really that incapable of giving the loving attention that they need? has it boiled down to the idea that they don't feel comfortable with me? isn't that what being in a relationship of any kind is all about?
and yet, all i want to do is snuggle down into my bed alone and read the red thread of passion and learn why i am so disconnected from everything. yet if she was to invite herself to join i would be most obliged and excited. seems entirely out of the question because i do not offer succor to anyone. i'm disconnected. shattered. i need to begin to understand what needs to be fixed....
Not that i hold any of this against anyone. considering that i have no ability to give myself succor or love, its no surprise that i can't give it to other either. so i am going to begin to figure all of this out, with the one who calls me wednesday, hopefully involved....
and yet the large ass dictionaries to my right say otherwise. tibetan it is.
so i discovered today that my presenting 'learning disorder' that i have recently uncovered is normal for people like me to encounter when begining to practice/accept Buddhism. Buddhism teaches you to let go of your lots and clear your mind. the result, at times, is presenting yourself as spacey and an inablity to do basic tasks. who knew?
i think there is a much bigger problem beyond jay's assumed ADD diagnosis or frederick's buddhist diagnosis. i think i am wasted. gone. lost. simply broken. perhaps i need to search myself and figure out what i really want. because what i have in my life now is not what i want. i do not want to be a smith student...a popular friend among lesbians...attractive...i want to be loved by one person and one alone.
i simply want to be alone and in the quiet of my jumbled, completely broken mind. yet at the same time isn't that what i have been doing? isn't that what has broken me down? i just need to escape for a few days, weeks even. get away from it all.
i feel completely unable to comfort those that i love right now. from the past to the present to the future. each of them have begun to seek others for solace. am i really that incapable of giving the loving attention that they need? has it boiled down to the idea that they don't feel comfortable with me? isn't that what being in a relationship of any kind is all about?
and yet, all i want to do is snuggle down into my bed alone and read the red thread of passion and learn why i am so disconnected from everything. yet if she was to invite herself to join i would be most obliged and excited. seems entirely out of the question because i do not offer succor to anyone. i'm disconnected. shattered. i need to begin to understand what needs to be fixed....
Not that i hold any of this against anyone. considering that i have no ability to give myself succor or love, its no surprise that i can't give it to other either. so i am going to begin to figure all of this out, with the one who calls me wednesday, hopefully involved....
and yet the large ass dictionaries to my right say otherwise. tibetan it is.
posted by Mak at
9:39 PM
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