just when...

i thought catching up was becoming more and more difficult, the ultimate reality in catching up hit me square in the face--choir concerts. the fabrication known as excalibur is the only thing that binds you, and you cling to that with all intentions of never letting go, until you do.

i caught up with two very important people in my life today. both being men that have meant a lot ot me. i watched the three of us in n's room staring at the ceiling remembering the shit we went through in high school. i used to spend HOURS on the the phone with n, and only a year ago did i discover that was due to some obscure attraction he had for me. which i think is is hilarious considering n thinks he might be gay, and k is gay (thus being in love with n). so maybe i am just that girl that boys who are gay fall over....wait, maybe that is becuase I AM TOO!!!!!

but catching up with n was refreshing, we sat in my car for nearly an hour trying to piece together our bizarre friendship as he tried to see through the haze of the pot he had smoked, which i kindly declined. and he became awkward and strange, thus a testament to our inability to understand one another--a consistant complaint from the past six years we have been friends.

and nonetheless i am nearly happy, truly happy. without regrets and without pain. well maybe regrets, but still.