only downfall: no ipod
this morning i woke up in my bed. MY bed. and for the first day in weeks i was happy that i had woken up. the birds were twitting about in the tree by my window. and classic boulder morning breezes blew into my room. i was home, and alive. and i was almost happy.
i took a shower in a place that i feel comfortable, my shower, with all of its quirks and blemishes. then i padded down in my bare feet to the kitchen, where i made myself breakfast and was greeted by the friendly smiles of my mother who then wisked me away into my home town of boulder. we talked about this semester, how it went, and how it didn't go. and the basics of why i was so broken. and she smiled and reminded me that everything would be ok. and i think for the first time in weeks i actually believed the statement that everything was going to be ok.
it was a statement that i had heard before from many people, but hearing it from your mother makes everything else seem ok. she was just so reassuring. and she told me she was proud of me. i dont' actually think the words "makenna, i am proud of you" have ever left her lips until today, and hearing them made everything else fade.
i read bell hooks on the plane. her book all about love just changed my entire way of thinking. i realize now that i have been looking in the right places yet in the wrong ways for love. i truly can't even begin to explain how much the book revolutionized my life. and as a result i wrote her a letter.
i looked back on a few of my journal entries from a while back where i talked about learning how to breathe again. isn't it funny when everything seems perfect, the past comes back to haunt you? so i went from being fantastic, to broken and alone. and now i am alone and content. content that for once i am happy where i am headed, and the uncertainty isn't so much to bear anymore.
i just wish i could make everything right again. tell everyone that i am sorry and that i really screwed up. tell everyone that i love them. tell each and every person i have hurt this year that i only can hope for forgiveness in my apologies, and that even their forgiveness is more than i deserve. but unfortunately, these avenues of communication with the people i care about most are closed. and so i have to just know in my heart that it will be ok. because hey, the light at the end of the tunnel is always better than we think.
i took a shower in a place that i feel comfortable, my shower, with all of its quirks and blemishes. then i padded down in my bare feet to the kitchen, where i made myself breakfast and was greeted by the friendly smiles of my mother who then wisked me away into my home town of boulder. we talked about this semester, how it went, and how it didn't go. and the basics of why i was so broken. and she smiled and reminded me that everything would be ok. and i think for the first time in weeks i actually believed the statement that everything was going to be ok.
it was a statement that i had heard before from many people, but hearing it from your mother makes everything else seem ok. she was just so reassuring. and she told me she was proud of me. i dont' actually think the words "makenna, i am proud of you" have ever left her lips until today, and hearing them made everything else fade.
i read bell hooks on the plane. her book all about love just changed my entire way of thinking. i realize now that i have been looking in the right places yet in the wrong ways for love. i truly can't even begin to explain how much the book revolutionized my life. and as a result i wrote her a letter.
i looked back on a few of my journal entries from a while back where i talked about learning how to breathe again. isn't it funny when everything seems perfect, the past comes back to haunt you? so i went from being fantastic, to broken and alone. and now i am alone and content. content that for once i am happy where i am headed, and the uncertainty isn't so much to bear anymore.
i just wish i could make everything right again. tell everyone that i am sorry and that i really screwed up. tell everyone that i love them. tell each and every person i have hurt this year that i only can hope for forgiveness in my apologies, and that even their forgiveness is more than i deserve. but unfortunately, these avenues of communication with the people i care about most are closed. and so i have to just know in my heart that it will be ok. because hey, the light at the end of the tunnel is always better than we think.
posted by Mak at
12:12 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home