jealous

sitting here with my friend who is a singer songwritter and amazing at what she does...i am realizing so much of my life though my slightly red wine induced haze. number one, i must learn how to play the guitar better. number two, i have to stop fucking up. number three, what am i doing in the fall? number four, i need to figure out what i am looking for in people.

one the subject of number four...i feel like i am searching for something i have yet to find--some etherieal creature who may or may not exist. and if she exists i sure have not found her. but what i know for sure is that i no longer have to search for friends because slowly i am finding them. who knew, that i would find them eventually. well i guess it was bound to happen.

in two day i will be in rome. somewhere i have yet to discover and the excitement is hard to contain. i am so thrilled to be leaving the country to return to a place i understand. after rome i go to paris. one of the places i feel the most at home at.

then grace who may or may not be coming to paris. but for sure she is coming to northampton. is she this person i have searched for? maybe that is presumptuous considering our past. or maybe my date that i have scheduled for after break? who knows. the joy of life is not knowing...yet at the same time that is my greatest fear is not knowing anything.