and so it goes

my life looks something like this....

i only have five days of class left. this is exciting. but the work i have to do in the next few weeks is so daunting that i can't even fathom my doing anything but getting my crap written. i am dating a great girl. but its ending in a few weeks. and my ability to get emotional engaged in this relationship at all is impossible. so i have this unusual distance that i am attempting to maintain between us...this is not a good thing. but such is life.

i am leaving the country really soon. this is also exciting. but i am not going to lie....its terrifying. i am leaving home for at least nine months. most likely its more like twelve. i will be gone for this entire time, existing between borders of developing nations. i will come home a new person, with a whole new look on life...or maybe not.

I leave Massachusetts on May 25th at Noon. I will be home the 26th by midnight. I start work the following week on May 30th. (I am working in big business. WOOPIE!) My Dance intensive starts June 25th and ends July 14th. After that I will be going to Door County....I then leave for Malaysia around the First of August. Which will give me five days in Malaysia until I leave for Cambodia. Once I am there...I am home.

I can't believe it. Shock.

Here I go.

Countdown is winding down (Edit)

Fourty-Three Pages of Papers left to write (Down from Fifty Four)
(Completed) One 20 Minute Presentation
FIVE Days of Classes
(Tech for one of them begins this week!) Two more Shows
Four weeks until I am home
(Started)Two rooms to pack up for a whole year (gulp)

BRING IT ON!

the good news...of it all

yesterday was an awful day for the first half. but then again, the day ended incredibly well.

everything is falling into place. i'm busy. i don't really mind that i am taking 24 credits, working 20 hours a week with tay, and stage managing two shows. in fact, i like it. busy is good. busy keeps me focused. centered. content. being busy keeps me off campus. it keeps me out of the drama of it all. honestly, this is a fantastic thing.

this summer i am going home. home to where i belong. where mountains seem to skim the sky. and my sense of direction is only put in context by these very mountains. back to waterskiiing. back to my families. all of them. my best friends, my neighbors, my parents, my uncle.

i spoke with a guy from cambodia yesterday. the man who runs the school that i visited two years ago. and i am going back folks. back to cambodia. back to my love, my other home. i will be there for nearly a year. then i will promptly return in order to graduate in the fall of 2007. one semester left....only one.

after that, who knows. but my grandmother said she would pay for any grad program...even my MFA in dance. maybe that will be a dumb decision--to get an MFA. but i will never know until i try.

so life is in place. it all falls into place....and i have a great Significant Other at the moment. and i am happy.

sometimes

we get lost. we lose our footing. and we look for someone to help us get our feet back underneath us. sometimes the people that actually can do that for us, are surprising people to say the least.

i think i have been leading my life a bit wrong. following down the wrong paths. hoping that on those paths that i will find a bit of the peace i am looking for. peace is within, i have to remind myself.

so what is this post about? its about everything. its about nothing. and its about starting anew...with a fresh perspective. i have long dreamed of being an executive of some great big firm where i can stake my claim and be a "partner" with my own little slice of a few million dollars. prada, ferrari, fendi, etc all being a part of my vocabulary. but then i thought about it for a long while. what kind of life is that really? what am I doing to make my heart beat faster? how will this be making me happy?

what really matters in life? does money? i know money can't buy happiness but can happiness buy money? what am i supposed to be doing!!!!??? this thing inside of me is growing. i feel as though someone has pulled a lose thread on my shoulder and is now walking away. watching me walk away. and as i go, i am slowly unravelling. exposing my tender center. exposing everything to the world. and in this process i think i may have realized that all the trees i have barked up in the past five years...have been all wrong. that dumb ass dog sense of mine may have thought they contained squirels or bears or whatever else things dogs bark at up trees, but i think i am sorely mistaken.

i need to find peace within myself. a sense of whole within my own consciousness. and that my friends starts today.

ch-ch-changes

my life is moving in awkward parallels. although they are converse parallels...think two way street. currently i am in a relationship time warp, with the tables turned. no, i have not in all honesty "broken" my vow of singleness...just modified it.

now why? because, i am still single. in the way that i won't have a date for valentines day, and in the way that i am not going to see ANYONE exclusively. which makes me lonely. this is a position i am not used to in anyway shape or form. but it is one that is probably a good thing for me. gives me room to breathe. and that room is well, AMAZING. albeit depressing during stupid holidays.

i spent january in India. it was eye opening. convinced me of a lot of things i had been hiding...trying to dispose of. so now, i feel a bit more centered and on base then i have for a while.

currently i am snowed into New York City...second largest storm on record. OF COURSE this was the weekend i decided to come. of course.

In 2005 I... (x's mean yes)

[x] broke a promise
[x]made a new best friend
[x]fell in love
[ ]fell out of love
[x]did something you swore never to do
[x]lied
[x]stole
[x]went behind your parents' back
[x]cried over a broken heart
[x]dissapointed someone close
{X} hidden a secret
{xxx} pretended to be happy
{ } got arrested
[x]got kissed in the rain
[x]slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[x]forgot your new years resolution
[x]met someone who changed your life
{ } met one of your idols
[x]changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x]pretended to be sick
[x]left the country
[ ]almost died
[x]gave up something important to you
[x]lost something expensive
[x]learned something new about yourself
[x]tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x]made a change in your life
[xxxxxxx]found out who your true friends were
{X} made a total fool of yourself all the time.
[x]met great people

next one...
2005 Your Love Life....
Single/Taken? [taken, except for the summer]
How many relationships did you have? [5]
How many break ups? [4]

2005 Friends and Enemies......

Did you meet any new friends this year? [ yes ]
Did any of your friendships end? [ yes ]
Did you dislike anyone? [ yes ]
Did you get into any fights? [ yes ]
Did you make any new enemies? [ yes ]
Did you resolve any fights? [ yes ]
Who was your closest friend in 2005? [ meg squared, devon, analise for a while ]

2005....The Holidays!

Did you have a Valentine? [ nope ]
Did the Easter bunny visit you? [ no ]
Did u watch fireworks on the 4th of July? [ yes ]
Did you dress up for Halloween? [ no ]
What did you do for Thanksgiving? [ celebrated with family ]
Did you make a list of gifts for the holidays? [ no ]
Did you receive what you wanted? [ yes ]
Were you good this holiday season? [ somewhat ]

2005 Your BIRTHDAY!!!

How old did you turn? [ 20 ]
Did you have a cake? [ yes ]
What did you do for your birthday? [ my mom and my oma made me dinner ]
Did you have a party? [ No ]
Did you get any presents? [ Yes--lots, pretty necklace and bracelet mostly]

2005......The Memories and Accomplishments!

Funnest Memory? [ not sure]
Saddest Memory? [ fucking up things with someone i cared about alot...analise? ]
Biggest Accomplishments? [ being a fuckup]

2005.....All about YOU....

Did you change at all this year? [ Yes ]
Was 2005 a good year? [ No ]
Did 2005 bring any new insights? [ yes ]
Do you think 2006 will top 2005? [ Yes ]
Do you have any goals for 2006? [ Yes ]
Do you wish 2005 wouldn't end? [ No ]
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2006? [ Yes ]
Will you be kissing at Midnight? [ the ganga river ]

break ups.

first of the year...last of the year.

resolution: be single.

for the record: breaking up with someone while you are in India and they are in Washington D.C. is hard. and she isn't exactly listening to me anyways.