and just when you think the world makes sense, someone starts to die on you.

off to colorado to visit my failing grandmother.

it occured to me this morning that i haven't really posted anything important or relevant recently. not that anything on my blog is particularly relevant.

but here is the update.

the show that I am Assitant Stage Managing goes up in two weeks. Which means we start tech rehearsals NEXT WEEKEND!!!! Who's brilliant idea was it to do a shakespeare in a two point five week rehearsal period. its ridiculous. but so far it looks as though it might actually be an ok show. there are a variety of amazing actors and a variety of ok actors. but in general everyone has something to offer. the costumes as SOO beautiful. its amazing. the idea was to have each one in something that looks like jewels in a box and it does acheive it. everyone who can come, should come.

school is crazy. i am so busy with my credit load that sometimes i think i am going to collapse under the pressure. but nonetheless i am hanging in there. and really, it doesn't look like its going to end up being all that bad. i have received some good grades, and so far there is nothing mediocre about the work i have accomplished, except for maybe the paper i turned in yesterday. but its french, and i never do well in french. no matter how i try. i am considering starting my grammer from square one and doing a work book for a while. we will see how that goes.

tomorrow is my first tibetan lesson. and unfortunately, i dont' have as much learned as i need to. so now i am trying to play catch up with it. i have about 100 words to memorize by tomorrow and twenty sentences to write. so i am not sure how that will end up playing out, but really i can only do so much. and jay can yell and groan all he wants about my lack of drive. i have plenty of drive right now, in fact i have enough that my drive is sending me off a cliff in 21 credit bliss. so jay can deal. the end.

work is awesome. tay, my favorite of my two kids, is proving to be a new experience every day. but i learn, he learns and we move forward from there. he said two new words yesterday: nemo and fish. if only we could get him to want to learn to speak, he would. that is what it is going to come down to...will he want to speak. he also stood up on his own. its so hard to watch someone of his age be so far behind...not that it is his fault. but really, he and are are getting along very well. molly on the other hand......

things with my significant other are great. fantastic. beautiful. no complaints. we went out to dinner last night...it was a nice change and we had a great time. if only i had the time to actually give a girlfriend the light of day.

class soon. probably should go today.

funny things/revelations that have occured over the past few days....

-"I don't wanna go to the fundraiser!" "Well i can't imagine why not, because it sure doesn't sound like any fun....raiser...........d."

-"OH MY GOD YOU HAVEN'T SEEN PSYCHO!!!!???? WE SHOULD WATCH IT!!!" Only after having discussed the fact that our plan for the evening was watching psycho.

-I have been existentially unhappy for about nine years, and i just snapped out of it.

-I am not going abroad.

-Me wearing a dress around campus creates a buzz.

and perhaps really we are all less alone than we think we are.

She looked at me, not smiling. dead set on getting the truth out of me. "Maybe we should just be friends." she said, casually as if it was a statement such as 'guess the sky is blue'. and then she stared. waiting for me to answer, and when i didn't and i looked away she continued. "having a best friend is more important than having a girlfriend anyways right? you need a best friend. i could be the best friend you have ever had." my eyes itched and burned and i smiled. "but i don't want a best friend, i want what i have. i want you in the same manner as i have you now." and she smiled, grinned even. and it felt so good.

maybe i do need a best friend. or at least one that is within a certain distance, but what i WANT, what i truly want right now is exactly what i have.

and that is the kind of love i deserve.

in discovering something about myself i have realized something...i lost my best friend. my best friend is my ex-fiance...my ex-girlfriend. the ex love of my life. and for god sakes...it sucks to be sitting alone in my room, crying. with my girlfriend in the shower next door confused of where i stand. but maybe i don't know where i stand. maybe i miss my best friend. maybe i need to find a new best friend.

her journal has this amazing three page long entry about her best friend and how great they can be. sporadically mingled with pieces of me in the middle. snipets of conversations i will never witness, never understand. and then it dawned on me. i am alone in a huge way. not completely alone. but alone enough that i feel like i lost my better half. that best friend. each of my "best friends" has come and gone so fast. because guess what...you can't talk about your new relationships with you recent exs. who always are my best friends.

i'm afraid. i'm afraid to let anyone in again.
i want to let go. i want to give in.
i want to know what is going on with me. i want it all to make sense.
i want to UNDERSTAND love. not just experience it.
i want to lose control. but what if i do and i never get it back again?

and so i seized up. hoped that life would make sense if it could just be explained to me. so i asked her to. and she did. and it isn't my right to demand that from her.

she is right. i was looking for something to be explained to me this afternoon when i grilled her. told her i refused to end up on some list. some list she doesn't have. because that isn't her. and i put her in that category of person. and for that, i suck. my mind is all a jumble of fragments and run-ons.

and to that i head to bed.

today

i slept through my first class
couldn't get to my second class
spent too much money
and i am now exhausted to the point of colapse.

i still have....
three acts to read of a french play
20 questions to respond to for said play
50 papers of reading for africa
2 pages would of responses for said reading
2 chapters of logic to read
8 hours of sleep to get


fuck....life is not going my way right now.

i am feeling really disconnected from everything.

by which i mean, with 21 credits, taking classes off campus, theatre and working that i simply feel overwhelmed to the max. and as such i never know about anything that is going on around this place. i no longer know about parties, get togethers, etc....

i am really happy where i am, but i am also feeling very lonely in a lot of ways too. which is ridiculous.

but in general the people i care about most i never hear from, and i am sure it is vice versa.

naps

isn't it funny how when you turn about sixteen all you want to do is take a nap? and that when you are four you will fight it sooo much! i need a nap and want to take one. the adorable four year old next to me needs a nap and refuses to take one. sigh.

essentially i am really nervous about everything. fear is taking hold. lack of sleep is also taking hold. quitting smoking is NOT going well. theatre is stressing me out.

list of current fears

new relationship (its good, but it still makes me nervous)
too many credits
not getting my sm job in the spring
not being able to go abroad
being at smith next semester
not going to cambodia
traveling to and from umass twice weekly

shaking

i spent the past twenty minutes shaking. i don't know why. i don't know whats wrong. and i have no time to sleep.

mcfuck.

i'm feeling really exhausted already. which makes me super nervous. but i am trying to continue to tough it out for better or for worse, because what choice do i really have. i know this semester is going to have my soul, but really i trust that i can make it. i think i will be very content when my big things are done, like the play. a monday thru friday schedule is rough...fifteen hours a week at least. woah.

playing the piano again is looking like a gift from heaven. today i played for a whole hour, nearly making myself late for class. i feel like a part of me that was asleep is waking up again.

in other news.....

i have a girlfriend. those words shock me. girlfriend. wow. its amazing. its simple yet complex. simple in the way that it is working out thus far...complex in the ways we interact. its been a really long time since i really felt excited about a new relationship. well, actually, its been just over two years. we share interests. we grew up together. (quite litterally...playing softball and going to summer camps together) we both moved away around the same time. we are both obsessed with third world politics and countries. we both are fun-loving. we both want to change the world in some way. and how am i in general with it all?

ohmygodiamsoexcitedandabitoverwhelmedbutsohappybecauseifoundher. sheiswonderfulandamazingandiamaweinspiredindeed.

and no astro boy she does not have a car well at least not at school

22 credits.
a new love interest.
two assistant stage managing positions.
piano lessons.
kick ass classes.
a job that makes me melt.


shit damn, i am swampped but thrilled to pieces with my swampedness.

the only thing that could rain on my parade right now is, well nothing. or at least that is what i thought. it turns out that drama never ceases no matter how hard you try. now this doesn't mean that i am not still blissfully, cloud nineified happy...but it does mean that i am tired of it and i want it to stop. i want my relationships to be between me and the other person not me and the other people!

but i have a new bed, a real bed. no more of this nasty "i sleep on a cot at night" shit.

and tomorrow is looking good already.

my days with tay, and other stories

I walked out of my house full of confidence that everything would work out fine. That the four year old child named Taylor Soh Kia would look at me today and smile. Ten minutes later at his door, my arrival was announced by a shriek of joy. "AAAAH!" He proclaimed. And he told me, in the best ways possible that he had given me that named. Sprinklers and interactions with some staring children, all prompted different things. But I was protective and proud of my little Tay. He is a light in a mediocre world, or rather a once mediocre world considering now that things are so different.

I truly believe that Tay is the most special person I have ever met. Truly, honestly...I am awe inspired by him.

As for other news. I am doing well. I am content, excited, smiling, and happy. Happy being the key word. But who knows where this happiness came from...Whether it was from a certain blue eyed girl who i find mesmerising, my great classes, or simply the dreams that flood my head at night. or maybe its all of them at once.

smiling ear to ear

i am really just amazingly happy right at this moment. wow.

the past few days have been interesting...per normal. looks kinda like this.

met some amazing people
spent all night talking to one amazing person
felt overwhelmed by people at smith
felt underwhelmed with my return to smith
had a few silly crushes
got over a few other silly crushes
had a party reminiscent of last years "before the school party"
sucessfully landed an amazing job
had to think a lot about where i want to be and why in my life
had to spit out a list of things I am looking for in a relationship
had friends make some big mistakes
got enough sleep (more recently)
attended a few parties without feeling overwhelmed
made friends with a 4 year old little boy, almost immediately
and overall had a damn good fucking time
i also...
tracked down my old journal (which was all dusty and in the basement of Dawes house) which explained the following:

1/23/05
Just got back from Cambodia. Made me think a lot about my life, in huge ways. I realized that I have some life goals I need to take care of creating, because life is so fucking fleeting. And who knows, maybe something awful will happen to the United States and I will die without a concise, albeit complete list of life goals.

Life Goals. Where do I even fucking start?

Go Back to Cambodia, do something important there
(X) Change the world in a some small way
Hike the Appalacian Trail
Visit Everest basecamp
Get a job that helps people abroad after graduation
Graduate from Smith
Go to Graduate school at SIT in Brattleboro, VT
Spend a significant amount of time in Tibet
(X) Learn to Love in a positive, absolute, although nonconsuming way
Run, and learn to love it
(X) become content with Smith college
Do SOMETHING...ANYTHING with Dance someday
Be in Cirque de Soleil or work for them
Find true love again
(X) Learn to find peace within myself
Be ordained as a Buddhist Nun (maybe...)
Sky dive
Visit every state in the United States
Visit every Country in the world (LOFTY...I KNOW!!!!)




now...there is an X next to what I have accomplished. Sweet. Could be much worse, considering I am only Twenty years old right now.

back to the drawing board.

new developments in life

i got a job
and i still need to declare my major. le sigh.

BUT I GOT A JOB!!!! A job that pays well and is really fulfilling like I am helping someone. sigh. happy me.

life sometimes throws you curve balls. and making the catch can be exceedingly difficult. right now i feel like i am dropping all of them. but maybe letting them pass isn't such a bad idea. woah...cryptic. :-)

dear smith...

please keep your drama to yourself. that is all. love, me.

unhinged

in regards to 'for the record'

maybe i do want to like someone...love someone...be with someone...etc...but maybe its just not the people i think i want to be with.

and that deserves and OH FUCK from the crowd.

to replay this summer in my head is a rather confusing proposition. but it looks something like this.

i built four sets
helped make five or so costumes
assistant stage managed a full-scale equity production
kissed some beautiful people
successfully discovered my soul
attemped to self-actualize myself
discovered why my brain works the way it does
successfully cut some of the strong ties with some ex-relationships of mine
lost weight on my cigarettes and coffee diet
became addicted to coffee
learned to love again
learned to love myself again (the most important)
found some self-confidence
broke some habits
gained some new habits
discovered a huge missing piece in the 'me' puzzle
treated someone i cared about unfairly
learned more about my grandmother
watched my other grandmother fade away
had a roommate without homocide occuring
gained connections with really important people
got offered a job for next summer
and so much more.......yeah, this summer was huge

on another unrelated note...

the past few days have been a blur. i feel unhinged in a huge way. last night i stayed up all night talking to this really amazing person and really just talking. i felt really comfortable with this person i had never met. i felt real, alive, and almost normal. we learned we had grown up in rossmoor together, only about a mile away from each other...if that. we also did a few things together as kids, not in any way that meant we were friends, but we sure were in passing. its two boat syndrome indeed.

it was amazing the way that our minds clicked, we chock it up to our awesome education from elementary school. unhinged why, you might ask? explanation, is that i feel like all I am missing is one piece to my overall puzzle for me right in this moment. and that my friends explains a lot of where I am right now.