Attn Shoppers: Special on Lovesick individuals aisle five

new relationship. new challenges.

i spent a fair amount of the past few days in a futile attempt to figure out why i have been nauseated for the past few days. but i was surprised to discover that they were still butterflies and not nausea at all. i find myself attempting to draw a concrete map of why relationships make me so incredibly nervous. what i have discovered is as follows....

i am quick to fall for people, but slow to actually fall in love. i usually love people, in a colloquial sense of the term, almost immediately but then the actual process of falling in love with them is rather long and can be painful as it requires me to be so open and honest. raw and expossed. something that i do not enjoy in any way shape or form.

additionally there is the whole "what the hell is going to happen" phenomenon. and truly, i would like to skip the pleasantries and just fucking find a soul mate already. (sarcasm included for only 29.95 plus shipping and handling)

ann, the new significant other, is quite honestly flipping my world upside down. the relationship is equal, fair, honest, and open. we share pretty much everything in common, and the things we don't share (there are plenty of them) turn out to complement each other in a near perfection that makes me want to throw my body off a cliff in disbelief.

she has entered my life and turned me into a blubbering idiot who can do nothing but say "wow." and that is what i am doing. i need to live in the present: forget my future and past. i need to live in the now and be damn happy that i found this amazing women.

now...am i in love? negatory ghost writer. am i getting there? yup. how soon will i get there officially? who the fuck knows.

now this love is a different sort that i have been in a process of hit and miss with. i have had it for ages with some. and for flashes with others. but this one feels different. now i know i say this alot but i mean it this time.

digression:

college. i am over it. i want a house with sustainable bamboo flooring, a granite zen bathroom sink, green sea grass chairs from www.gaiam.com, modern furniture, two black walls painted with chalkboard paint, a small art studio, commissioned art work on my walls, a bedroom with an asian styled bed with bamboo in large vases around the room tucked inside is my partner and i, a kitchen with a dehydrator and a fridge to keep lots of veggies crisp, brightly colored accents to make me smile, linen curtains, old fashioned bathtubs, energy efficient heating, rooms pouring with light, and a dog. and hell...maybe even a horse as well that sits outside in a pasture and awaits to be ridden daily. and i want all of that--not now but five minutes ago. its frustrating to feel stuck in a rut with no place to go.

ok, enough of a vision that is a bit far away. but honestly folks, i want to start my life. i have a job waiting for me, a house to purchase with my inheritance, a few projects to keep me busy when i am not working, and a life that is just waiting for me to take hold of it. too bad i am still young and horridly restless.

growth spurts hurt.

and here i am, smack dab in the middle of one. realizing that letting go of old love is harder than i thought. i have all this left-over love lying around and i don't know how to let it go. its a bit overwhelming to be honest. but i am trying to slowly sort through it.

glad to be home in so many ways. i brought a friend with me. its nice.

we go skiing tomorrow. YAY!

back on sunday.

the past few weeks have been a blur. and i have not been excited to post here because of the troll that has been around.

for the record. yes, i need to get over myself sometimes. yes, i can be dramatic. but you piece of shit mother fucker do NOT troll on my blog about it RIGHT AFTER MY GRANDMOTHER DIED!!!!

thank you that is all.

back to my life...

i am on a steady coffee drip...about five cups a day or more when its really bad. i have spent two weeks fighting with the psychiatrist about meds for my ADD which is so bad that reading is like slogging through a mud bog. she claims that either Rialin or Adderall has to work...well lets see. Ritalin gives me headaches, like sledgehammer headaches and Adderall makes me pass out...ironic i know considering its legalized speed. (these things i know, i am wired all the fuck wrong).

the play down the road in lovely springfield ends tomorrow...thank god.

and SHE is here. and this SHE is turning my world upside and liquifying it to make it seem altogether digestable. (if that is even a word)

today i had a moment when i felt an internal flip happen. where i litterally felt my life refocus completely. i blame fleetwood mac and the song landslide and maybe HER. i think my fun and games of my early youth just ended. enter stage right: debt, joy and sorrow, hard work, and love from so many places.

the answer for a faceless void...

why do i try to do so much?

because without it all, i feel empty and lost--with it i am whole or at least i perceive myself as whole.

and that my friends is a revalation that needed to be made.