i want to cry. a lot.

SCHWHA?

now those of you who follow my life know i change my mind a lot...and i did it again. i have found peace in what i am doing finally. i no longer feel as though i will lose my mind, nor that i will go over the deep end.

i learned to breathe.

as for transferring...my folks (who pay my bill) won't let me. that is unless i transfer into a better school. for once in my life i made a decision that i wanted to do and it mades sense and fit and then SMACK!!! big huge brick wall. so i talked it over with my family and we made some decisions.

first of all...i am declaring a double major in philosophy and government until further notice. at some point one will become my minor and the other my major. in spring of 2006 i will be attempting an abroad semester with SIT in Cameroon. and after that who knows. with only two semesters left of college at that point i will attempt to go abroad again or hang out in d.c. (washington) with a smith program there.

then i will graduate...either ontime or a semester late. it all depends on what i decide to do. that decision may or may not ever come easily. we shall just wait and see.

for the record

i hate smith college

well folks, i have done it. i have started the process of transfer applications, a long and daunting one indeed. eugene lang is the number one hit at this point, located in the city, new york city. my essay is exciting though! you can use any combination of the following: 5 photographs, 500 words, slides of artwork, musical composition, or 2 minutes of videotape. now if that isn't the most creative thing ever, i don't know what else would be.

excitement is hard to contain when it is this effervescent.

well kids, i had a bit of a meltdown today.

tonight is lavander margaritas. and i am excited, so excited that i think i may just start giggling at any moment. life is good indeed. i don't think i have ever felt this content in my life, yet i do. despite the overwhelming melancholy life is fantastic.

missing this can drive anyone crazy. and as the weather begins to slowly thaw so does sanity when it comes to rowing.

i look towards my melancholy and see a vision and suddenly i can't help but smile.

i feel like i should crawl into my sheets and sleep for all eternity and disappear into my world of memory foam, down, and chenille. my head chold has creeped down my head into my throat where it seems all too happy to reside. little snotty nosed children should not sit next to healthy people in to back of ten hour airplane rides, coughing into a napkin for hours.

the past few days are a blur. a blur that breathes within itself, a place that is entirely all too real and uncomfortable. i am learning to breathe in that place now, which is what i promised i have to do. breathe where i am uncomfortable within the blur of uncertainty that i see spiraling around me. so i plan my courses, declare my major, change my life, and move on into the haze that seems endless and so unwelcoming. i don't like feeling so displaced. yet once again despite my awful mutated head cold and my uncertainty, i have found a few things that feel oh to simple and perfect. and within those things i find my comfort as i begin the process of my intakes and releases of breath, almost sputtering, in those places that are all to familiar and all to consuming. but i am learning, and i believe that is the final step.

and snow, for the record (not so eloquently stated), fucking sucks at this time of year.

the world once again makes sense. my whole life is set before me and my major in college is slowly taking shape. which is a warm change, one that i am ready to embrace.

yet this leads to a single most vexing issue. i don't care if i graduate from college, which is a horribly surprising thing for me to be saying considering i have spent so much of my life caring about it. i really just want to see the world, and i don't want to start tomorrow i want to start now. so it comes to an interesting point...what do i do? do i stick it out and try to graduate or do i simply move on. i'm over college that is for darn sure. i don't want anymore professors saying 'you could be such a good student if you applied yourself.' 'you are so smart, you are just lazy.' well i am not lazy and i am intellegent so really it just comes down to the fact that i dont' want to be in college anymore. i want to be in grad school. so maybe i will just disappear into the world and write my thesis without an advisor, and move on into the world without my degree. or maybe not.

unremarkably content

I wrote this eariler today and figured it belonged on my blog. So here it is folks.

I'm sitting here in my friends tiny one bedroom appartment that she shares with another realizing that my life is no longer in the United States. I have spent a mere three days in a city which has and always will have a part of my sould. Currently, as I look outside at the Eiffel Tower, I am realizing that my life is just beginning and I have the world by the balls and I am ready to fly out into it. Yet this is not my option...This is not my fate. Unfortunately I am stuck in the middle of my sorry existence at Smith College, worried that I can't leave and worried that I can't stay. So now this intense dicotomy (a word that I have yet to learn to spell). Where am I going? How do I do it? Everytime the universe seems figured out, the seine reverses it direction in a way. I simply don't know how or why I am supposed to figure all of this shit out.

Ever have the feeling where you are simply sitting reveling in your own contentness and then suddenly your stomach turns upside down and an edge is discovered out of nowhere? Well I have that feeling right now. Between Florence, Rome, Spoleto, Paris, and my other travels in Januaray I feel split in two, or four, or ten, or fifteen. Every place I have been has a piece of me, every lover I have had has a piece of me, every person who has ever walked in my life and then out again has a piece of me, every shitty paper I have ever written has a piece of me, ever class, every professor, every child i have babysat, every person i have stared at--they all have pieces of me. So when I have all these people, places and things that have pieces of me I begin to wonder wether I have any pieces left for myself...for the people that have yet to come. For the papers I have yet to write--for anything at all. And that is when I begin to lose my breath.
Life is such an intense wave of emotions that come in the way of a large tsunami. Who knew that these things would be so intense, and make so much sense, yet no sense at the same time.

Yesterday I received an IM from a love of my life asking me what our relationship meant to me, and I couldn't respond. It meant so much yet I couldn't find the words, and it had been so poignant for so long. And at my lack of response she told me she had a new involvement. A rower (go figure) who is twenty-three and lives in Boston. My body felt used, run over, and exhausted. I left my obscure internet cafe feeling overwhelmed and unable to bring myself to reality. I wandered around the left bank and bought a crepe. Sat down on a bench and began to breathe again. Realizing that it didn't really matter that she had a new anything, considering everything else that I have done. What happened in those moments between the IM and the epiphany was my realization that I can actually move on now, move on in a new direction. But the problem is moving on requires giving more pieces to people in bigger ways, bigger ways I don't think I can tackle.

Paris is amazing. Paris is my haven. Paris is my home.
Florence is amazing. Florence is my haven. Florence is my home.
Cambodia is amazing. Cambodia is my haven. Cambodia is my home.

And with these repetitive statements I realize that my restless soul truly has no home, which scares me. I need a home, one that I can call my own. Yet maybe the world is simply my home, and that anywhere I go (give or take south vietnam, and the united states, parts of South America, etc) will be my home.

I want to see the world. I want to go everywhere and do everything. But all of this requires giving myself away to everything. Can I do that? Can I even try to do that?

I'm so lost, yet at the same moment so profondly found. (I was blind by now I see...Ha.) I am realizing slowly that running to Paris at the American University is not the way to go. I need to stay where I am, and breathe. Learn to breathe in the places I feel uncomfortable, because growth in something comfortable never happens. To grow and to change we have to be in a place that is completely the wrong size, the wrong fit, and the wrong time. Smith is like that for me. Nothing comforable ever produced change in the world, same goes in life.

On a lighter note, the crepes flow in rivers here. The fondue is like floods. Everywhere smells of hot chocolate and coffee and an air of freedom surrounds the city. The bustle of people on the metro is made cacaphonus (spelling again) by the sounds of accordian players, guitar players, people giving their life story in hopes of a euro or two. The people move between stores lined with soft cotton and designer names all at discount prices due to the change of seasons. The Eiffel Tower looks over Paris with a watchful eye and breathes new life into each motion the city takes in unison. The air is cleaner than the air in the United States. The cars are smaller and everyone seems to be in less of a hurry. People in Paris breathe, it is such a relief. Paris reminds me a lot of Florence actually. Paris is like a larger Florence. Both are split by beautiful rivers and littered with people from all over the world. The languages are beautiful and the shop keepers are friendly. Artwork or all forms and sizes and shapes drip from the museums that surround the towns. Both cities were loved by the great minds of the world, both were fallen in love with.

At night the city lights up in brilliant splendor. The Eiffel Tower shimmers (quite litteraly) , the Champs-Elysees is alive with a calm bustle of thousands admiring the shops and the sounds of the city, the seine moves with a majesty unsurmonted by anything I know--busy with bateau moches (squatty long barge like boats), and Notre Dame's rose window stares out into the world.

I fell in love again, it was easy to do.

i was just run over by a freight train in an internet cafe

Italy was in short amazing. I went tearing about the country with my family in our cute shiny Alfa Romeo which we rented. My father was driving like a maniac (read: ex race car driver) so everywhere came up faster than it should. We tore about Umbria and Toscanne like it was our job. Florence, Pergia, Spoleto, Marmore Falls (which is entirely the most spectacular thing I have ever seen) and so much more. The food was fantastic. Amazing fantastic Italian food drenched in olive oil. Firenze (Florence) was simply stunning with its bridges and the river...I reminded me of a slower paced Paris. Everyone was jovial and there were rowers of the river. I am moving there and I believe I found a partner in crime. "We could be Heroes" indeed. Its epic in ways I don't think anyone even knows yet.

After my much enjoyed sojourn to Umbria and Toscanne I am happy to be in a place where I speak the language, know the people, and know the culture. Paris is my balm. It is life. Paris is simply one of the places I feel most comfortable. I like the style. I love the twinkling eiffel tower. I just love Paris.

I went and visited the American University in Paris the other day. I really liked it until I started talking to more students. It seems that everyone is unhappy with it for one reason or another. But who knows, could not tell you why or how they are unhappy with it. And now I have to decide whether or not I transfer. The big decision.

Today I will continue my tearing about the city of Paris like a mad women. Jumping from Metro to Metro soaking in everything about this wonderful city, a city that I would love to call home someday. I think I found my soul again, its a nice and welcome change.

italia!!!

well here i am in italia. i am loving it. in fact i cannot think of many other places that i would rather be right now...other than france. but i will be there soon.

the food is great. the people are great. and now i want to learn italian.

i have recently discovered that having a blog causes problems.

london, england

i'm in the process of my next slew of world travels. i landed in london today with an odd sense of melancholy yet an optimistic outlook. now i am not sure how this is possible, but its the case.

in a few hours i will board a plane and head to a country i have never been to before--italy. once there i have hopes of tracking down my parents (i have an address and everything)and visiting the sistine chapel. after a few short days in the city i will be heading to spoleto in umbria. then my parents leave me and i go to paris, one hundred percent alone. something i have never done before. i have never traveled anywhere completely alone yet i am glad to be doing it now. its quite the excitement.

once i have paris conquered alone i can handle anything. maybe not. but nonetheless i think i can and that in the end is all that matters. heres to travel and seeing new things.

jealous

sitting here with my friend who is a singer songwritter and amazing at what she does...i am realizing so much of my life though my slightly red wine induced haze. number one, i must learn how to play the guitar better. number two, i have to stop fucking up. number three, what am i doing in the fall? number four, i need to figure out what i am looking for in people.

one the subject of number four...i feel like i am searching for something i have yet to find--some etherieal creature who may or may not exist. and if she exists i sure have not found her. but what i know for sure is that i no longer have to search for friends because slowly i am finding them. who knew, that i would find them eventually. well i guess it was bound to happen.

in two day i will be in rome. somewhere i have yet to discover and the excitement is hard to contain. i am so thrilled to be leaving the country to return to a place i understand. after rome i go to paris. one of the places i feel the most at home at.

then grace who may or may not be coming to paris. but for sure she is coming to northampton. is she this person i have searched for? maybe that is presumptuous considering our past. or maybe my date that i have scheduled for after break? who knows. the joy of life is not knowing...yet at the same time that is my greatest fear is not knowing anything.

Spring is a big joke

yesterday the snow began its thaw, the temp spiked to a tolerable 45 degrees. it was beautiful and sunny and everything seemed at peace. it was the best day i had seen in a long time. i breathed a stronger, clearer air without any care in the world.

yet out of the blue it began to snow again and i feel robbed of the spring that never came. the same way i feel robbed in a lot of ways currently. i simply feel overwhelmingly cheated out of life right now. cheated out of my job...out of love...out of going abroad...out of friends. yet i am surprisingly optimistic at this point which is great news.

soon enough i will be in rome and in paris. paris is a healing place for me and i am looking forward to it. promtly following that will be grace's visit. the fact that grace is coming is simply fantastic. she is simply amazing and i look forward to every visit of hers. it will be a beautiful next few weeks...i can feel it.

sigh

I will never be what I want to be.

I will never be someone's true best friend.

lost and dazed

tell me why i have to be in love with anyone? i think i would really prefer to have no one love me right now, my life would be much easier.

oddly content

as i sit here realizing that everything isn't as big and unconquerable as i think it all to be i slowing come to the sense that my life is much smaller than i think it is. there is nothing particularly special about me and i may not do great things like win nobel peace prizes or get a phd in ethics. but in the scheme of things knowing that my life is much smaller than i think it is, is oddly comforting. when i breathe in and out the world is NOT going to crumble--knowing this makes everything seem so much more simple than it did yesterday.

now to most people this realization would seem depressing and subtly unsettling. yet this is not the case when i think about my life this way. although i think to myself 'shit, i really thought i had to make a difference in the world' i am happy to know that maybe i don't have to, maybe just existing and surviving life is a big enough task. perhaps i will do something great. who knows. but i don't have to. i never have to.

as for the involvements in my life, perhaps i can simplify it all simply by remembering to breathe. i forget to do that from time to time.

back to the world of the hermeneutic circle. thinking about thought is not an easy chore mind you, especially when it is thinking about thinking for ten pages. in all honesty, its a shame that i can't write papers as quickly as i can well...blog or im. dirty shame.

Fasten your seat belts

It has come to my attention that a certain, ahem, involvement of mine refers to me as Wednesday. Now I can't seem to understand why this is. But according to this past involvement it is because our first date was on a wednesday. Now the posts that she has posted in her live journal (that I have finagled my way into at times) are quite interesting. I really thought that she was completely sane...But what I have realized is that she is the product of a (as the play After Mrs. Rochester so pointedly mentioned) creature of an overly stimulated brain. Now don't get me wrong, this one is brilliant but just not grounded enough to keep anyone sane--let alone herself. But I think she is redeeming herself slowly. As she comes to the end of the play she is pulling herself together. I am proud of this one.

On the same note, things in my life romantically are running smoothly. No bumps recently, which is a brillant and welcome change. No more of these games, thats it. I'm done. Not going to take it. End of story. Lets just hope that I can stick to that plan. The aforementioned woman might be hard to say no to if she turned around and said 'lets forget it all' but I am going to have to stick to my gut instinct and ignore the impulses that humans have. Its great to be needed but sometimes it great to be able to have that need be a two way street...rather than one.

On a completely unrelated and seperate note--I have began the process of figuring out my life, which of course, at the young age of nearly 20 this is a long process. Now what I know for sure is that I want to graduate from college. But where and with what degree is another question. Buddhism (my focus) has become exceedingly boring to me and honestly I would rather study rocks than buddhism at this point. It all seems like this endless cycle of redundant sentances repeated over and over and over in different patterns. And what amazes me is that I know EVERYTHING about Buddhism that I am going to learn in my undergraduate institution. So the first step is to change my major to philosophy. Then after that everything is so uncertain.

Uncertainty seems to be ruling my entire existance at the moment. I have no idea where I will be in a few months, let alone a few years. This of course creates problems on all sorts of levels. Levels which are entirely unimportant for discussion on a blog.

Lets get busy

Recently I have spent a fair amount of time just thinking. Thinking about honesty and how it gets you into trouble. Essentially when I boil it all down no matter what I do its going to get me in trouble. But at least when I am honest I don't have to dance around my words and around everything that I think I said. Yet honest is rarely what people want to hear. Its such a problematic situation.