always the second best...always.

another dream

last night i dreamed that my parents and i were traveling around the world. and we ended up in the himalayas. (which in this dream were located about sixteen miles outside of sidney, austrailia) we spent a large portion of the trip climbing to the top of the mountains, and then i saw everest...in all its glory. it looked as if it touched the sky. and then we were flying, in our car, to the peak. on on the peak a huge temple had been erected. and sitting on that temple was a god of some kind and when his mouth opened to speak my alarm went off.

fucking alarm clock! I want to know what the god on top of the temple said!

excuse me for a minute...

while i catch my breath.

i had a bit of a breakdown last night. and by a bit of a breakdown i mean i sat on the lawn just crying.

winding down from this summer is proving much more difficult than i thought it would be. it goes something like this....

i was in a really awful place when i started this job. and now i am back to my almost normal self. and i think for the first time i am actually pulling myself together and enjoying where i am in life. and where i am is not a bad place.

i have accepted and or realized the following things this summer. 1) the fact that i am a restless soul has no bearing on my worth as a human. 2) theater folk make me insane, but for some reason i love it. 3) working hard feels good, hardly working does not feel good. 4) i like school. i tolerate smith. and i can't wait for it to start up again. 5) i do NOT have to be friends with my coworkers. but i can be if i want. 6) i am not ready to be in an emotionally draining relationship, and honestly, they should be avoided until i return. 7) i love my major, i love my family, and i love my life. 8) college does not insure loads of good friends. but rather huge slews of mediocre ones, with a few amazing ones in the mix. read: one or two. 9) my best friends are scattered across the globe, a product of my restless self.

and after all of these sorts of sudden realizations i am rather content. and i can't wait for the summer to depart so that i can return to the world of smith, without the drama of internships and intern crap.

unreal

she walked up next to me, trying to catch up and asked "tell me why it rains?" and i stood dumbfounded. she was simply beautiful, breathtaking even stading in the failing sunlight. and i replied "its just heaven crying, dear child." Puzzled she looked to the sky, and her mouth curled into a smile. and "anything as beautiful as rain can't be tears of sorrow, they have to be tears of joy."

giggling, she sauntered away.. her laughs rang in my ears as she faded into the mist.

------------

someone tell me where these dreams are coming from?

color me ridiculous, but really all i want right now is an ice cold beer on a beach somewhere.

tech rehearsals make me naseous. yes they do.

life seems to be going in a good direction. a powerful one but a good one nonetheless. i am in love with the idea of traveling in a few months...and truly this whole summer has become a blur.

home soon. home soon my friends.

dear me

last night i had a dream...a really bizarre dream that a friend of mine and I were in this abandoned theme park. filled with bridges and such. reminded me of knott's berry farm. and then she fell in the water off the wobbly bridge. waiting for her was an croc. such as a crocodile it followed her...i swam away in hopes that she would be fine and then i woke up.

perhaps this is similar to the other dream i had about a friend being eaten by such a beast. maybe i am afraid to lose her.

i hate dreams.

on a totally unrelated note....

today the rest of the "morning's at seven" set will be moved into the theatre. which includes about 800 square feet of sod...as in grass...as in real live grass. with that...the sixty foot tree and the real trees spread all OVER the set, it will be a rather impressive trick of the eye. with two hours and about 20 people it will be completed. sometimes theatre life can be really exciting.

now i can only think what the person who delivered the sod must think....

cracking the code

so i think i have finally figured out why my internship has caused me so much bleagh this summer. in general i just don't think i know how to balance my relationships with my peers. I have never in my life worked with my peers in theatre. and now i have had to.

and it just doesn't make sense anymore.

oopsie

you never know who is going to be listening to the headsets that crew uses to communicate during a performance.

funny how many things get said about the other crew members when people think they aren't listening. well i was listening.

i woke up this morning, put on my clothes after a much needed shower and walked outside. my face into the sun. and i breathed fresh air, or at least what felt fresh to me. for the first time, in a long time. it was air that was strong, potent, and simply magical. i walked into work with my head held high, the job that i will have put nearly 1000 hours into in these mere 11 weeks. with only one show left to put up, two sets to strike, and two days off left to go i am feeling like i can do anything.

monday i will clean and nearly pack my room. and back up the data on my computer to ship it off to apple land. a week of dress rehearsals, tech, and performances followed by a MUCH needed three days in New York City. promises there include a trip to il firenze, which is a paper store. and beautiful. and then my mother comes and we take off west to wisconsin, after the one last week of performances. we arrive by the 12th in Door County, where I will walk along granite cliffs and listen to waves.

home i go on the 17th for some visiting with friends. the 23rd i head back to door county, a new person, no longer a teenager. (20th birtday is seemingly weird so far) and then i go back to smith on the 27th....pre-o starts on the 29th. september 1 i am going to take my ass camping somewhere...alone. or maybe somewhere else...alone. but nonetheless those will be my days alone. kerstin will arrive sometime around the same time i will...which means one of the best people in the world with now be available again to drink chai and cry with. classes start the 7th or the 8th of september...i don't remember.

so far i am excited to return to classes, to return to what i know best. and i just have to remember to keep my head clear and look forward to what lies ahead of me. whole new worlds await.

my roommate commented on my music choices recently...saying that he was sad to see me leave my 'angry' music that he had grown accustomed to me listening to. i smiled and took my ipod up off my stereo system and walked out into the world smiling. i don't think i had smiled like that for a really long time...give or take a few times this summer.

nonetheless, i am nearly debt free (what a relief) and about to start on a whole new adventure. one that i have been waiting a long time for. and despite the 100 percent humidity i feel like i can take in the air without strain. and by god, its a good fucking feeling.

tonight i will put my tennis shoes on my weary feet and run. run with nowhere to go, for the third time this week.

get a little closer and i will tell you...

i missed someone a few days ago that i shouldn't have missed.

so much that it pains me to think about the way she makes me feel.

and tonight my skin feel taut and stretched around my frame. i long to feel some sensation again.

with two weeks left in my internship, a trip to new york on the horizon, and harry potter finished...my life is super eventful. and as much as the sarcasm is LEAKING through those comments its kind of true.

i am discovering that we make our own misery. depressing thought isn't it.

This is Molly's Post

Molly is the big girl who is the daughter to the production director Sam Rush at my internship. She is Three years old.

Here is what she has to say.

bnmv,m nmhmhhhhhhhhftrjhftrrrrrrrro

my name is molly (i showed her which buttons to type.)

,nkhg lkjgbhkkkkkmklhklkhjkjhjgkjghdghghghhgshdghhsnhgfgghgvnghguytgyyghfjgjjnmnmjjjjjvdfffccxzvbjjigkkpyiyioy koasasdfgjkl;kmnkh.h,h,fjmkyhfmgmhmhhhgkjyru9lkjylikubyiuyyyyyyyy ytiuhhjkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhyyyyyyyy6hufyu76ytyu76tgtuytryjyjtgdygfrufgrefuygjregfefyr;lkhggffgfrhfhfkjfvl,;;;;rtjkfjfjfifiufu8 ghujhtjughtujth g ktyhiu bb hgjhkjht ykjth tjk hk htk htr khgkjhkjhkjhkjhgkjfg jhygrutrut gfhjrgfffghgffbgf

and I honestly think she is the highlight of my internship. i love kids.

i am starting to get really anxious about life in general right now. and i am getting REALLY frustrated with some rules that have been put forth before me.

my parents, since i was a little girl, have told me that if i ever got a tattoo or rode a motorcycle that they would cut me off. completely. no more college, no more car, and then they would write me out of the will. now i find this to be a bit over the top, and honestly i am starting to question whether or not this stuff would even be a big deal in the end. yes, of course, it would be a big deal before college...but after?

i really wonder if its worth living with their rules and not doing what i really want to do, and as ridiculous as it sounds...i really want to do both of those things. and its not just about rebellion. le sigh.

defunked

my computer is dead...and off to be repaired in mac land. communication sans machine sucks. yes it does.

the end is nigh...YAY!

new century theatre is in rehearsals for its LAST SHOW OF THE SEASON! Sweet. Happy is the only word I can use to explain my current state of jubilation. and in two weeks i am off to the city. as in THE city, new york. yayayayay.

the plan of action

so here is how my trip to the other side of the world is looking right now:

January: Sarnath at the Institute of Higher Tibetan Studies, the program I should have been on last year.

February 1-15: India and Tibet. YAYAY COLD WINTERS!

Feb 15: To Bangkok

Feb 18-Whenever: Chiang Mai (Thailand) then to Luang Prabang (Laos) then to Vietienne (Laos) then to Si Phan Don (Laos...Also the location of the rare irrawaddy fresh water dolphins) then to Phnom Penh.

Whenever-June 1st: Cambodia for 28 days at a time with a one week travel period.

June 1st: Either back to India to teach or puddle jumping to malaysia, papa new guinea, the solomon islands, and then landing in New Zealand for an internship.

Hold on to you hats kids, its a bumpy ride ahead. And I apologize if I never come home again.

i think all the interns think i am certifiable. probably because no matter how little sleep i get, i still manage to be somewhat alive and alert.

we start rehearsals for a new play on tuesday called 'morning's at seven' and it is by far one of the warmest, sweetest plays i have ever read. i really really want my parents to come out to see it. i mean honestly, its a dear little script about a midwestern family who all lives on the same block. four sisters and the way their lives lace together. everyone is around noho should come and see it. email me for comps and such.

as the air slowly feels less intense i begin to breathe again. i guess its the trip that will arrive all too soon. i think that makes everything feel manageable. the fall is arriving at breakneck speeds and it all feels alright. my class schedule is still a mess and i have to say that i am taking too many credits, but i think for the first time i can do it all. and do it with flair.

and maybe i feel ok about it because i actually have a room i can live with. its an apartment practically. now if only i had my own kitchen.

opening night: third show

going well...its the second act. and i am free as a bird until we have to reset for act one. sweet.

HEADACHEEEE!!!! HEADACHE HEADACHE HEADAHCE!!! Bee-Luther-Hatchee is one BIG headache. to bed. NOW

stolen

first i was towed. now i was broken into. anyone have any cds i can burn? MY ENTIRE COLLECTION has been stolen. now for those of you who don't know me, that is my life. le sigh.

essentially everyone in my life is falling apart right now, which makes me think that i don't have the room to do the same. no good folks. no good.

new ipods

i just got a new ipod, after the loss of my other on the airplane. now let me explain something...i love apple but they piss me off. yesterday or so they released NEW ipods. all of them come in color now, the black and white ones have been discontinued for the time being. the 20 gig one is now the price of the old b/w 20 gig. and the 60 gig is now the price of the old 30 gig color model. and guess which ipod i just got...the 30 gig color model. off that ipod goes to cambodia for sure now!!!

towed

that sums it all up.

inevitable

when i walk into a bare theater, something happens. this feeling, the idea of pure potential. a blank canvas. something to work with. i guess it is how an artist would feel about their own canvas, freshly stretched and ready for a new masterpiece.

its a wonder that such things start the way they do, and end such as they also do.

looks like i am leaving my internship, that is, if i have to have surgery. i will leave july 25th, to return to boulder if it comes to that. and i think that has to be the most depressing news i have heard in a long, long time.

as for the rest of my life...i leave the country december 27th, with no return ticket in my hand. perhaps cambodia will call me, or maybe india. thailand, laos, vietnam...any or all of them will be at my disposal. that idea is frightening, but very exciting. soon the countdowns will begin, and i can feel the buzz in my veins.

i met a pretty girl. nothing serious. she was just breathtaking.

that is my baby cousin. the one who will grow up without knowing me really, and i miss knowing my family. seeing them whenever the moment moves me.

college is like one huge, never ending black hole.

i think i have finally found this speck of myself that i have been looking for. and thanks to K i found it.

as for the un-released rage...well, that still needs to be worked out.

perusing some other blogs i have discovered that maybe my problem is a lack of rage. honestly, i have never really been angry, and maybe i need to discover that dark thread of rage within me and let it all out. maybe if i just expressed the anger that i know i have inside i would be more content.

my days have continued as follows. wake up. breakfast. work. smoke break. work. start getting depressed. lunch. smoke break. work. feeling really tired and depressed. dinner. pre show prep. show. fall asleep backstage. intermission. second half of show. home. smoke break. beer. phone. exhausted and utterly depressed. bed.

i'm looking for a speck of salvation in this dark place. none has shown up. maybe i just need to make friends with a new type of people. although my friends (outside of my internship) have proven themselves over and over again. and to those people i am thankful.

peacefully existing between madness and depression, what a strange way to put it all.

something is happening. can't explain it. can't pinpoint it.

i'm drinking water like there is no tomorrow. smoking like a chimney. and hardly eating.

perhaps its just lack of sleep.

i am making plane arrangements for cambodia within the next two weeks.

we are almost half way done with the new century season! i may make it out alive, without doing damage to anyone!

next summer...better theater.

my name used to be very original. it wasn't even in the top 1000 names during the eighties. and now, it is ranked as the 227 most popular name. balls.

a nine foot long catfish was caught in the mekong river just south of bangkok...

NINE FEET LONG!!!! 646 POUNDS!!!

Sweet mother of jesus, that is one honking animal.

It was eaten by the villagers. THAT IS A LOT OF CATFISH MEAT!!!!