with roommate

living with a roommate is interesting. luckily i like him.

so i am back in noho and its proving to be, um, interesting. and exactly what i thought it would be.

on other notes, love is confusing. it doesn't know how to be judicial, it just is. but man does it hurt. now if only i could figure it all out.

my internship starts in two days.

and i just consumed the best hamburger i have ever had in my life. bun, hamburger, cheese, grilled portobello, and then another bun. fantastic.

and i am still smiling.

just when...

i thought catching up was becoming more and more difficult, the ultimate reality in catching up hit me square in the face--choir concerts. the fabrication known as excalibur is the only thing that binds you, and you cling to that with all intentions of never letting go, until you do.

i caught up with two very important people in my life today. both being men that have meant a lot ot me. i watched the three of us in n's room staring at the ceiling remembering the shit we went through in high school. i used to spend HOURS on the the phone with n, and only a year ago did i discover that was due to some obscure attraction he had for me. which i think is is hilarious considering n thinks he might be gay, and k is gay (thus being in love with n). so maybe i am just that girl that boys who are gay fall over....wait, maybe that is becuase I AM TOO!!!!!

but catching up with n was refreshing, we sat in my car for nearly an hour trying to piece together our bizarre friendship as he tried to see through the haze of the pot he had smoked, which i kindly declined. and he became awkward and strange, thus a testament to our inability to understand one another--a consistant complaint from the past six years we have been friends.

and nonetheless i am nearly happy, truly happy. without regrets and without pain. well maybe regrets, but still.

lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!

tonight i went and saw the wizard of oz at my local dinner theater. and lo and behold a friend of mine from high school was dorothy. which i guess isn't all that odd considering she is brilliant, but nonetheless it was fun to see her in a 'real' theatre of sorts.

on another note, i ran into an old friend of mine who know works at the dinner theatre. he went from being the jock and big football guy to the singing, musical theatre major. only bizarre because i knew him in his jock phase. and so we are going out to coffee tomorrow. interesting experiment in catching up.

this catching up business is making me want to sleep all the time. its so hard to bundle your past year or two into a package that fits in a two hour coffee date.

i spoke to an old friend today about my life. he smiled and called me an 'old soul' and then giggled at the idea that i had become so morose in general. i have to say that my general state is rather amusing these days. i have transported way beyond melancholy and now i am just a cynical old bastard. but not to worry, i still have my usual bubbly persona lying underneath a lot of it.

looking into a box of memories is such a trip. while rifling through my jewelry box, where i keep letters from the years, i stumbled upon a most inspiring letter. its signed with the name megg, but i don't know who its from. high school at some time i am sure. i don't remember a megg from high school that meant a lot to me...

isn't it funny how our memory fails us when we want it around most.

attending rocky horror turned out to be interesting, per usual. but tonight was even more bizarre than normal. my old desires of being there, in the theatre, shouting at the top of my lungs went away. it felt so weird to see the people from high school i used to spend all of my time with. and now seeing them is so foreign, and utterly ridiculous. the people we once were have faded away and the only bonds we have left are those from high school. the only way we can relate is high school. and suddenly i have nothing in common with the people who once ruled my entire existence.

i went to denny's at 3:30 in the morning with a friend of mine and we tried to remember our past, and the exorbitant amount of times we had sat in that denny's after most sane humans have long since fallen asleep. and in my thirty minutes of denny's reminiscing i discovered that biscuits and gravy still taste good, and that some friendships never falter, while the others fall to pieces after a period of time, simply due to the changing of the tides in our lives.

its now 4:30 am colorado time, and i am, once again still awake about to pull another all nighter with myself in solitude and though. sadly, there is no lake here and there is no sunrise to share with anyone else, except for maybe my cat. but perhaps this is all a part of the lessons i am slowly learning. i am finding the most peace in my times alone.

i am currently at work. or rather, at my old work. the familiar is becoming simply mundane rather than exciting. i have only been home for four days now, and all i can think is 'when am i leaving'. in the wake of my current life i am discovering a lot about myself. now if only i could make all these new discoveries make sense.

i wish i were living somwhere new this summer, like laos or india, or the moon for that matter.

but nonetheless i am content. and i am alive. and i am eating. and these are small miracles right now. baby steps. testaments to my being fine.

today i was in the car and i saw a bumper sticker that read "i wish i was barbie, that bitch has everything". rather than making a critique on the message i noticed that the subjunctive was not used properly. i promptly went on a rant about how it should be "i wish i were barbie". my father thought i was hilarious. i thought it was amusing as well. guess certain habits have been given to me by my friends.

SAVE THE REPUBLIC!!!

so in my true star wars fan fashion i went to the opening day of the third (and apparently last) star wars movie. to say the least i loved it. between the amazing light saber wars and the unraveling of sir anakin skywalker was simply just what i needed.

and wow, i just sounded like an utter nerd. yes, yes i did.

w00t

so i raised my GPA. i broke my trend of grades. and that means i received an A on my government final exam. the one where i completely ripped apart the field of comparative politics, stating that none of these old dudes know what they are talking about. guess goldstein liked my final exam.

only downfall: no ipod

this morning i woke up in my bed. MY bed. and for the first day in weeks i was happy that i had woken up. the birds were twitting about in the tree by my window. and classic boulder morning breezes blew into my room. i was home, and alive. and i was almost happy.

i took a shower in a place that i feel comfortable, my shower, with all of its quirks and blemishes. then i padded down in my bare feet to the kitchen, where i made myself breakfast and was greeted by the friendly smiles of my mother who then wisked me away into my home town of boulder. we talked about this semester, how it went, and how it didn't go. and the basics of why i was so broken. and she smiled and reminded me that everything would be ok. and i think for the first time in weeks i actually believed the statement that everything was going to be ok.

it was a statement that i had heard before from many people, but hearing it from your mother makes everything else seem ok. she was just so reassuring. and she told me she was proud of me. i dont' actually think the words "makenna, i am proud of you" have ever left her lips until today, and hearing them made everything else fade.

i read bell hooks on the plane. her book all about love just changed my entire way of thinking. i realize now that i have been looking in the right places yet in the wrong ways for love. i truly can't even begin to explain how much the book revolutionized my life. and as a result i wrote her a letter.

i looked back on a few of my journal entries from a while back where i talked about learning how to breathe again. isn't it funny when everything seems perfect, the past comes back to haunt you? so i went from being fantastic, to broken and alone. and now i am alone and content. content that for once i am happy where i am headed, and the uncertainty isn't so much to bear anymore.

i just wish i could make everything right again. tell everyone that i am sorry and that i really screwed up. tell everyone that i love them. tell each and every person i have hurt this year that i only can hope for forgiveness in my apologies, and that even their forgiveness is more than i deserve. but unfortunately, these avenues of communication with the people i care about most are closed. and so i have to just know in my heart that it will be ok. because hey, the light at the end of the tunnel is always better than we think.

home again

being back at home has proven to be a good thing thus far. my parents have been much more supportive than normal.

but between my broken self and my missing ipod (i left it on the plane) i feel utterly alone in this huge empty house. even my small child sized cat (aka 18 pounds) isn't proving to be comforting.

must get a grip.

graduation was all fine and good. despite my desperate tears for the ones that i will miss horridly. i hope that they all do well in their lives. its scary to think that they are actually going into the world. i am sure that it is even scarier for them.

and they really are all leaving. who knew it would mean this much to me in the end. oh wait, i knew that.

illumination night

was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen. for once i may be happy that i attend smith college. but the elation that i feel from this evening will probably only last for a few hot seconds. but luckily i am out of school for a few months. being on campus, without the stress of classes, has turned out to be an ok deal.

i truly think i have never felt as lonely as i do tonight though. something about the candle lit cmpus that screams romantic. and unfortunately, i am way beyond being able to be romantic with anyone.

i woke up this morning, twelve hours after having fallen asleep. pulled myself out of bed slowly to check my email. approximately five minutes later the phone rang....kerstin was at the front door! seeing my best friend from last year was such a relief that i cried and we screamed and made plenty of merry.

i am so relieved that she is here. words can't even describe my elation.

i am finally realizing the consequences of my ridiculous actions, and to tell you the truth, dealing with them has been harder than i ever even imagined. i feel so dead inside, so broken, so completely unable to comprehend how to fix it, and i think for one of the first times in my life, i actually can't repair what i have done. and i think that understanding this is becoming nearly unbearable.

looking someone in the eyes has never hurt so much.

its been a really long time since i have seen a sunrise. its quite amazing how clear your thoughts can be at five in the morning. despite reeling from people waking you up consistantly through the night--nothing is reactionary. every moment is perfectly timed. everything seems clearer.

and watching the sky turn from black and star scattered into deep purple followed by cerulean and then baby blue speckled with orange, pink and yellow is quite elating. now i remember why i loved rowing so much.

now if only i could fall asleep and enjoy the rest of the day.....

currently my life is a series of mishaps and fuck ups. from the basics to the fact that i have been lying to myself for a while now. and now, my task is to pull my act together in about two weeks so that I am ready for what is ahead of me.

and from the wreckage i will survive and be alright.

life catching up with you?

i guess i am growing up. growing up in a way i never thought possible. i no longer have desires to be at parties where there are large amounts of people or copious amounts of alcohol, it all seems to be past me. there continues to be no problems with the way other people engage themselves, but for me....i am so beyond over it.

i'm watching my senior friends slowly come to the realization that this is it. the end is nigh. iminent even. but for me it comes as a surprise that i am not graduating. for some reason i feel like i should be. like my two years of college have amounted to enough servitude that i should be given my diploma. i know i have a lot to learn, and i am only half-way there, but i just want to be finished. i want to see things beyond my cozy campus, and beyond anything i have seen before.

so here i sit, in my plush suite, surrounded by things and people i love and all i can think is, i want out. and i do. i feel so trapped. like i have wings waiting to explode and take me everywhere i have dreamed. for too long i have seen visions of far away places like shadows of memory, and yet they are places i have never seen. panning visions of the himalayas....sky lines of new cities...villages in africa...towns in europe....

and yet i sit back and realize i am only half-way there. but in the meantime i need to learn to cherish the nights where i can escape into my friends rooms and get a good hug, followed by chocolate milkshakes that we whipped up out of nowhere. because really these are good times. i just don't want these years to be the best years of my life. i want the best years of my life to arrive over time and cover a varied expanse of time/space.

i'm just going to sit back and relax a bit. and realize that i don't have to love college, i don't have to party, i don't have to do anything but graduate with grades that potentially get me into graduate school. and from there life begins anew. oh those days I am dying for.

so here it is. the days i began breaking down...and now i am smack in the middle of them, waiting for them to end. i don't think i have gone more than 24 hours without crying. between the dreams, the conversations, and the general stress and duress i feel, i am not exactly at a functioning capacity. i will be looking forward to the day that it all falls back into place as it should. right now i feel unhinged.

don't get me wrong, i will be fine. i am a fighter, that is what i do.

words from the wisest woman i know

The word "love" is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb...love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will, namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love." -from bell hooks' "all about love"

everything is so ethereal. even the things you hope will be more permenant settle the best into their own impermanence. which for someone as unstalbe emotionally as I am currently, that isn't the best thing. but what i have to learn is the embrace of all these things. but even more important is that i have to go abroad to grow up and be away from my life for a while. or rather away from the life i feel so attached to.

the idea that i leave the country in january for 20 months (except for a 12 week language immersion in Wisconsin next summer) is a bit shocking. although the idea is slowing sinking in. i will spend one month is india, followed by a few months in cambodia, then back home. then a full 12 months in India....probably about 9 months in Sarnath (assuming everything goes to plan), and about three months in spiti.

that is if everything continues in the way i planned it...and if it doesn't then so be it. but what i do know is that I am indeed leaving the country. i know that much.

so with only one semester left before heading off i need to focus on things that are remotely more important than the impermanent.