you would have thought with my obsessions with RuPaul, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xena, and Princess Leia that my parents would have figured it all out just a WEEEEEE bit earlier.

live in hell

my job is hell, quite literally. we are doing this play all about the stop after hell, and the director is SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!! And by satan I mean she wants props, real props. like real galleys, and page proofs with the text of a book that was never written. SO essentially my other props friend in command and I have to WRITE A MOTHER FUCKING BOOK!!!!!!!!! Oh and we have to fill a notebook with said book, but handwritten. fun times. yay.

sleep deprived and on the verge of ill am i.

i expect bloodshed during this play. cold hearted bloodshed.

internships that include seventy hour work weeks suck, big time. don't get me wrong, i love my job. i just expect that if i am going to be used as slave labor that i will be useful. so i spend seventy hours a week actually doing things. but instead i spend about ten hours a week doing stuff and sixty hours a week twidling my thumbs in a concrete bunker.

on another note, looks like i may be spending a week in the bahamas with my friend ellys, during huricane season no less. but hey, if i can brave the tsunamis in thailand i will take those mother fuckin' huricanes on by storm--no pun intended. and if we decide against the huricanes, then we will spend the week in boulder, colorado...home sweet home.

i have gotten something out of this internship though, two good letters of rec. yay

good news: my ankle is simply a bad sprain and no surgery is needed immediately.

bad news: i may need surgery at the end of the summer because i have rolled my ankle sooooo many times in the past few months.

more good news: life is fantastic except for...

the more bad news: my boss wants me to leave my internship program because my ankle is a "liability risk"

sooooooooooooo, this means i need to make a decision by tomorrow morning whether i am staying or going. and my doctor still hasn't called me back to "clear" me for work. and then i will have to make a decision without ANY knowledge. that is like trying to decide whether chocolate or vanilla ice cream is better...without ever tasting ice cream or chocolate or vanilla.

rehearsal is a ton of fun with the actors.

picking up my best friend has never been so scary.

a lot has happened to me since october. i left my first HUGE relationship and i am currently dealing with the backlash of that as we speak. i have changed my life plan, dramatically, at least three times. i went to cambodia and fell in love, passionately. then i dated a fantastic girl, who in the end, didn't work out. and now i have come full circle.

i am headed to cambodia shortly...ish. and i am excited beyond belief. instead of going abroad now, i am going later. i am headed home for a year after cambodia, probably. and i am damn excited.

and as my friends graduate i will return to smith, for one last semester.

and why is all of this important? in fact, it isn't. uncanny huh? what is most important now is that i learn from the mistakes i have made, and i stop making them. i have to keep myself in tact. and for once, its coming together. nothing seems out of place, give or take a thing or two. and for once my heart beats rhythmically, rather than sporadically.

now if only the one thing i miss most would resurface.

changes

today i realized, shit, i am continuing to make mistakes in my life. and not even little ones, but HUGE ones. now if only i could learn how to keep these said mistakes to a minimum.

le sigh.

its almost opening night. sigh.

women continue to be bizarre, but whats new.

i haven't slept in five days.

and i have a crutch burn on my arms.

word on my ankle: fuck.

i spent hours in the er and in a week i have to have it looked at by an orthopedist. surgery maybe? great news.

what is the point in believing in anything anymore? it all falls away. love isn't eternal and women sure as hell are strange.

pain seeps into your blood and turns it all to lead.

the heat is exhausting, but my new found a.c. is quite nice. although going outside has become a distant memory, unless it is in my swanky little row boat that i bought for twenty dollars at wal-mart.

perpetually late women are.

and i wish i could just run, fucking nearly broken ankle. hospital tomorrow, w00t.

i have recently found myself facinated with a certain type of individual, and as i meet more and more of them i am drawn closer. its hard to explain the type, but really its the kind of person who just knows what to say and when to say it. furthermore they are extraordinary because additionally they have done amazing things in their lives, huge things, larger than life things. and perhaps this new fascination is driven purely by my need to meet new and fantastic people, the kinds that you can have conversations with for hours. tonight was one of those nights, and i need more of them. i miss my late night musings with my friends, followed by sunrise. now these friends are spread all around the world, and most of them i don't even see that often. i call them my A.D.D. best friends, thanks to one of these certain people who named them such, and having them is rather miraculous.

and its important to have these kinds around, because there is no fear of commitment and no fear of upsetting them, because if anything they are your friends you can philosophize and drink wine with once a year even...and at times i feel closer to some of them than anyone else. of course not exclusively, but nonetheless.....

i can't wait for kerstin to come home from germany, i miss her.

seperate note....i am ACTUALLY learning how to stand on my own two feet finally. the air seems clearer and cooler (maybe that is the new A.C. unit though) and my thoughts don't get so muddled anymore. i know what i want and what i need, and for once i think i am ACTUALLY going after what i think i should be, and that is inner peace.

sleeping soundly again, after so long, is a brilliant change.

when i was asked to go to diva's for the second night in a row, i caved and went, despite my initial inkling to decline. and as a result i discovered a delightfully interesting human being. and as such, I take myself to bed for an early 8 am wake up call.

with a number in hand i head to bed in peace.

ages ago, or rather a few months ago, when i heard the words "i can't be with you for x, y, and z reasons" i didn't listen. i pushed and ended up NEARLY ruining my friendship with one of my best friends. and now looking back on it all i understand. i just had to flat out say no to being with an amazing person because i am in NO place for a relationship. sometimes the way things come back to bite us in the ass is amazing. and this was one of those things. and so now, as i watched this person essentially say the same things i said months ago, i was watching myself. i wish i had understood back then.

but on another note, i love my internship.

who would have known that I would still be standing after the past few weeks, but here i am. alive and breathing and smiling like there is no tomorrow.

and after a series of mishaps and exhaustion and the wronging of many, i have emerged, torn and broken but still walking. and as i have stated before...its the small miracles that solve wonders. and this is one of those moments. and i think i am still impressed with the idea that I am here and happy.

and damn does it feel good.

love knows how to forgive and forget. and that is a relief that no one can understand, except for maybe me.

and tonight i may actually be able to sleep, in fact i think that it is inevitable.

i think i haven't been this elated in weeks in fact. and sans anything to aid the process. score.

tomorrow work starts at 9 am, for me that is. the other interns, excluding my roommate Alex do not have to be in until 11:30am. Wow. how did the two of us get so lucky....oh wait....DAN RIST THINKS WE ARE AWESOME!!!! for once in my life, i wish i were a failure.

You scored as The Pretty-Boi Dyke. You can be a bit cocky at times and ever the heartbreaker, but no one knows that you're really just looking for true love. The Pretty-Boi Dyke 80% The Magic Earring Ken Dyke 60% The Granola Dyke 60% The Quasi-Gothic Femme 55% The Stud 50% The Student Dyke 50% The Sprightly Elfin Femme 45% The Surprise! Dyke 35% The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke 30% The Hipster Dyke 30% The Little-Boy Dyke 10% The Femme Fatale 5% The Bohemian Dyke 0% What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

the end.

and I am still covered in paint.