my grandmother took her last breath at 10 eastern standard time. i felt a sudden sense of peace right around that time....i didn't get the call until ten fifteen. but i just knew.

i am going home on an eight pm flight. and i am stuck somewhere between being excited and scared. i have a ride home from the airport...and everything seems as if its going to be ok.

i couldn't sleep last night. the butterflies were too much.

i feel like someone is cranking a vice onto my sternum. that life is so far away. i can't decide if i am chanelling pain from my ailing grandmother, who is so close to passing its absurd or if it is just my excuse for coming to terms with my reality.

every breath in is a chore. every blink of an eye leads to more tears. and before the news of her truly impending death i was so happy. i had a plane ticket in my hand for thanksgiving and another for jaunt into a foreign place to meet new people. and now all i can think about is my chest. and the lack of breath, oxygen, and vitality in every limb in my body.

i am stuck somewhere between drowning and swimming in clear water, with strong kicks and steady movement. guess that puts me smack dab in a dog paddle.

go home? no idea. the answer isn't so clear anymore.

breathe one last time virginia, let us all rest together.

i hope you know how much we all loved you......

she asked if i was ok. pleading with me to make sure. to justify her actions. but its not my place to care. its not my place to give a damn. but if you want honest...here it comes

NO ITS NOT FUCKING OK!

but what choice do i have. my heart isn't with you, and all i can do is think about everything. although i still want it to be. but i still know i made the right decision. and that is all that matters. but god damnit it...right isn't always easy.

i just want you to be happy too. and just because i am selfish and it isn't ok doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. because at the end of the night, its probably better.

MY PET!

i feel like i am rewriting my self concious. like suddenly everything that happened last year is suddenly seen through rose-colored lenses. is this normal?

i want to go there again. but i don't know if i can. am i ready? is it still too fresh?

I'M GOING TO INDIA FOLKS!!! WOOOOOOOOOT!

ummm...i have a crush on someone i have never met. wow. that is ridiculous.

sometimes i wonder if i am just not strong enough. if my desire to save people is simply a dream a nothing that can ever be a reality. i'm afraid to be poor....i'm afraid of what i would see, if i could handle it, if it will be possible for me to deal with it. i want nothing more than to devote my life to relief work, and quite honestly i just don't think i am strong enough.

death, disease, famine, pain, ultimate hunger, soul eating despair, war, fear

but then there is always the hope. hope that life will get better, that life will become ok again. and truly, maybe that will be enough to satisfy my fears. but who knows...

i still could always sell out to the business world and make a mint............

HOW LONG ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE ME WAIT BEFORE I HEAR ABOUT MY INDIA TRIPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love, life, happiness etc...is all tenuous. But i wouldn't want it any other way, despite the pain it might cause.

breaking up is hard to do...

cliched as that may sound, its true.

she looked at me very straight and said "where do we stand?" I took a deep breath and said "I don't know." And after a half hour of honest truth and tears (on my part) we hashed it out.

it was hard to look at her. because to me she has always been so beautiful. her blue eyes simply just make such a hole within me.

i feel like, i am, once again a victim of circumstance.

but its so strange. i just got miles of room to breathe, but at the same time i feel worse than i did an hour ago.

relationships are crazy, and not exactly easy to swallow.

its like taking one to many pills at the same time without the aid of water.

dear makenna,

thanks for the extra air. but really the sledgehammer is not what i needed either. but then again i never can make up my mind.

love,
your heart.

to begin..............

nobody is perfect. but being happy is important. i am NOT looking for perfection by any means, but what i am looking for is something that i have previously had, which for one reason or another is no longer good for me.

more importantly. tonight i saw tibetan buddhist monks perform. i was listening to tibetan being spoken and sung around me in a whirlwind and i was so exhuberantly happy. so happy i cried. which was so strage for me. but truly that moment was the highlight of the year thus far.

the play is good. it is going well. we had a great audience tonight. the cast and crew is amazing. except for the one seule actor who drives me bat shit. but even she has her positive points, which is hard for me to admit.

maturity is something that i have yet to cultivate, yet i expect people i care about to act in a rational mature fashion, because, i myself, do such things (most of the time). and when it becomes clear to me that people are CONSISTANTLY immature i can't do it any more.

thats it. i am finished. i made up my mind.

i turned in my application for my j-term program the other day, and i was surprised at the ulcer i proceeded to give myself. its out of my hands now, at this point, i can only hope things will go my way. and if they don't. its clearly for the better.

as for the rest of my life....

dear makenna,

please stop allowing yourself to continue placing me in difficult situations that cause me pain.

love,
your heart.



dear makenna,

i am not going anywhere no matter how much massage, reiki or accupuncture you try.

love,
the knot in your right shoulder.



dear makenna,

you need to practice tomorrow.

love,
the piano in room 208, sage hall.


i feel like i am fine internally, which is a welcome change. but my outside world is swirling about me and i want it to be in control. I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL!!!! damn, if only life worked that way.

THE ULTIMATE SILENCE
October 12, 1998



Listen to the mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts,
The impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me ...
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.

~ Shel Silverstein

Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.

What will you do to end the silence?

Click here to post this on your own page or weblog

this post is for me

and this post may not make sense. worry not if you don't understand.

i've recently lost all direction. and the direction i did think i had is now a million directions pulling me everywhere but the place i am supposed to be. but i think, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. that being, a driven, ridiculously busy, knows-exactly-what-she-wants-to-do-with-her-life type has not a clue, and has lost the internal drive that was pushing her forward into the unknown, attempting to see through the haze all the way until her death. i think this could be a brilliant change, accepting the unknown, allowing the future to REMAIN the unknown instead of twisting it into the "known". i have spent the better part of my time at smith worrying about my major, my g.p.a., my social life, my relationships with myriads of people, and what i am going to do next. and in all this worrying, i have torn apart my soul in a lot of ways. i let go of what i really loved and grasped onto anything else that might catch my interest.

and in keeping with my normal trend, i am burnt out. burnt out to the point of wanting to collapse into a small makenna sized puddle which could be simply overlooked by everyone who walks past. and slowly, per my usual habits, i am hermitting myself again from the world.

so i have made a decision. i will no longer worry about my thesis. it will either happen or it won't, and if it doesn't then there is always a special studies. i will no longer worry about what graduate schools think of my course selection, because if they don't want me for who i am then i shouldn't be there. i will no longer worry about what my parents think of my course selection, because if i want to take underwater basket weaving then FUCK IT i will take it whether they like it or not. i will no longer take courses that i should find interesting but don't, even though as an intellecutal it should be the case. i will NOT end up being an academic and i am fine with that. i will NOT worry about money after graduation. i am going to be what i want to be and not what my family thinks i should be. (aka a lawyer, a doctor, a business woman, etc).

and instead i am refocusing my attention on what i love and what makes me a whole person. such as my art, my theatre stuff, and my music. next semester i will take classes i WANT TO TAKE!!!! I will not succomb to this bullshit of "to be an academic, you need to look like one." if i don't find x interesting i never will, and you can't make me SMITH COLLEGE!!!!! i am so sick of these women being shocked and appalled by the fact that i don't like class a, or class b when everyone else things its fascinating. (ya know, i bet they really don't but it just looks good to think so)

so next semester i will take a 2 credit special studies in Tibetan again, a dance class or two or three, a philosophy seminar, the seminar in enlightenment in the religion department, set design one, and my philosophy colloquium. i will dance as many hours a week as i can manage and i will take piano.

the following fall i will either qualify for a thesis or i won't. but either way, i will write it. either under the veil of honors or not. it will be in the topic of my choosing, written the way i think it should be written (within certain parameters of course), and without fail it will occur.

my soul is slowly dying because i am not dancing or singing, and piano on its own will not cut it. next monday i will dance again. THANK GOD!!!!

and tomorrow is looking like a good day. i can feel it. but maybe i am hallucinating, who knows.

I just got the final grade on my final rebuttal. 53%. So much for writing a thesis.

last day of fall break

today, in lew of doing homework, i decided to completely avoid it. which was a good decision. i went to the book mill with a few friends of mine, which was closed. because its a tuesday. and i should have known that. so instead my friends and i piled back into my car and went to a cute little greenhouse on the "honor system". takewhatever. payforallofit. it was great. we ate carrots and fresh ranch dressing until we happened upon "Roberto's Family Restaurant". Sketch, but one of the best pizzas i have ever consumed in my life.

We then proceeded to almost get lost on the way to greenfield but landed at the greenfield co-op where we spent an hour perusing organic stuff. and loving every minute of it. afterwards we cam home. and now i still have an eight page paper to write and its sad....because i haven't started it and i feel lost about it.

and the search for inner peace continues.....no lecturing about it though please.

maybe she is right...big hearts can only hold so much. and there is no room at the inn right now. get thee to a manger or something like that.

i'm feeling like i am slowly finding peace in this place completely. this place being smith, where i am in life, and much more.

although i am so unsure about so many things in my life right now.

letting go is hard to do. and i need to do it in a hundred and fifty ways.

Countdown

To-Do List of Homework to get done before fall break/durring fall break.

8 page history paper

100 pages of reading for said paper

DONE!!!!! 3 acts of a french play

DONE!!!!! 20 questions for said play

DONE!!!!! 6 page philosophical exam

DONE!!!! 50 pages of reading for said exam

1 Logic Exam, that so far I have spent two hours on and I am still no where close.

a. nonny mouse

i just got a note in my mailbox. no name. no return address. it said "i hope your day is beautiful" this is the single most unexpected and lovely thing i have ever received.

KERPLUNK!!!

ever played kerplunk? the game with the marbles and the sticks? and slowly you pull out the sticks avoiding the complete destruction of the structure holding the marbles up? and then there are about five sticks left and you pull one out and all the rest of the marbles fall? but you have to keep pulling the sticks because that is the name of the game?

well i feel like my last stick just came out and everything came tumbling down.

this weekend I...

saw the rocky mountains at sunset and sunrise

saw a ten foot cow on the back of a truck...maybe more like twenty feet

saw my baby cousins who are bundles of joy

ate pizza with my parents and laughed about how this maybe the first and last time we order pizza in

went to church for the first time in two years

saw real joy and pain in my grandmother. the only emotions i have EVER seen her display

watched two foxes nearly kill each other

met the single most ridiculous human being on the planet

missed my life back at smith

avoided all homework

listened to placebo on repeat

watched my mother fumble her life onto the floor

and watched my dad laugh as it happend

slept with my cat, i miss him

made a skirt out of thrift shop ties

went shopping in boston, denver, and boulder with all sorts of family members at my heels, me at theirs, etc

gained seven pounds on mommy food ie. eggs and bacon, pizza, steak, large amounts of everything

missed boulder and northampton at the same time, boulder more than noho, but still...

today i cried. real intense tears of anger, angst, sadness, etc.

i went to church with my grandmother. i sat and waited to be struck by lightning. and instead the most beautiful thing happened...a spiritual awakening, like one i hadn't had in a long time. simple but absolute. and i cried. the preacher spent the entire time talking about how "god's table was not limited to even the believers, but to all people...despite race or creed, religion, gender, or the gender of those who you decide to love...etc" i was in awe that this buddhist practicing man was our assitant pastor and i left smiling. feeling more alive than i did when i went into the church. so i took communion, for the first time in nearly three years. and i didn't feel like anyone was staring at me wondering what i was doing. i rather felt welcome, like i had found myself a temporary home.

in three hours i will fly back to massachusetts...away from my ailing grandmother, my cranky but loving parents, and my home sweet home. once i arrive i will be greeted by people who love me and missed me. and knowing that i can exist in both places feels good. and right now i am fully at peace with my grandmothers inevitable passing, my relationship with my girlfriend, my place in life, my grades, my insane work load, and quite simply...the world.

MY BOYS ARE BACK IN BUSINESS!!

JOE SAKIC AND THE COLORADO AVALANCHE HAVE BEGUN THEIR SEASONS AGAIN!!!!

Thank God for the NHL.

i'm home. i am alive. but i would argue that i am not well. its hard. being here is hard. its great to see my family and i also got to meet my baby cousins.

sarah grace is three years old. i haven't seen her since she was just shy of two years old. its crazy to think that she has grown so much. and in her stead, a little joy named Syndey Faith has been born and grown to a huge year old. (named after my dearly departed grandfather...probably the most important man in my life). She and I look alike. Its nice.

I never had any brothers or sisters, and these little ones are like my sisters. I love them so much and its such a shame they will never know me the way I want them to. when they left tonight i cried. between the two babies and my favorite cousin Jennifer, watching them leave was devastating. but getting the chance to see them was amazing. i wouldn't have had to the chance otherwise.

tomorrow i see my grandmother. i am dreading it to be quite honest. but it could always be a good thing. and its why i am here.

the night i arrived was amazing. i saw my best friend phil and enjoyed a good evening of cheese, wine, hash, and cigarettes. i think it was one fo the best nights i have had in a long time.

but i miss my girlfriend and i miss my life at smith. i feel like leaving on short notice like i did confuses me. being at home is hard for the following reasons: i love boulder more than life itself, my friends here are unreplaceable, parents are too good to me, etc...