and then everything melts away and i feel great again. score. awesome internships are good to find!

when everything is dreary and grey is when the world seems to make the most sense to me. the clarity i find beneath billows of rain is rather intense.

positive updates in my life...my two mentors in the world have on seperate occasions given me some positive feedback and i have heard through the grapevine somethings that are rather positive too. numero uno would be none other than the oppressor himself, also known as sir garfield. he thinks i am smart! amazing! the man who rips me to shreds every chance he gets actually thinks i am intelligent. and coming from him this is a huge deal to me. so maybe he thinks i am a bit lazy, but he thinks i am smart. numero deux, the other oppressor of the dancing variety brought me up in his comp class today stating that i am a "fantastic dancer of high caliber, and that he misses me in his classes!" IMAGINE THAT!!!!! i am pretty much as content as i could be currently.

and at the same time i am getting the best grades i have ever received during my college career. its a relief.

the big thing is still coming...i just wish it could come faster.

and to gridlock, who is the mysterious poster on my blog, your nickel was taken to heart. i appreciate your reading of my blog.

when you break it all down, i am doing well. almost great in fact. i only have ONE final. take that bitches.

Sweatshops

YAY! About half of the companies i enjoy doing business with are clean! Check out Patagonia for example. What about your favorite corporations? responsibleshopper.org

reinventing oneself entirely is part of a process in college. Simply accepting ones faults is not good enough, so here I am realizing that I am in another complete phase of reinvention--hoping that i may find some sort of peace that was lost so long ago. and during this entire process i am at a loss of words as to where i am going, what i am doing all I know is that it is sure to be huge.

have you ever had a feeling that something was not quite right? where the entire world suddenly seemed bleak and dark but not for you yourself but rather something much bigger. well as i fell asleep tonight on the phone with a friend of mine both of us went blank and we proceeded to have a twenty minutes conversation about "whats wrong? are you ok? why are you weird" turns out, it had nothing to do with us but rather the grandest union of two people in a dating capacity had just been broken. holy shit.

i'm utterly shocked.

i almost feel like crying myself.

sitting in the library for hours and hours can be rather mind numbing. and at the same time utterly clarifying. my dizzy head seems to have found some transparency through the din that i have been fighting with for some time now. and despite my subconcious getting the best of me from time to time i seem to have found the peace and quiet beneath the torrent waves. and to that i say, THANK GOD!

content beyond belief am I.

i haven't felt adrenaline like i did tonight. my chest heaved and now i quite literaly can't breathe. and yet i feel more alive than i have in a long time. now if only i could make the room stop spinning.

also, its amazing how close to losing it one can get without actually losing it. when i just started learning to breathe, i lost the skill and was rendered completely useless. and then i snapped and realized it can't all be so bad.

once you return to reality the world seems so crystal clear. and at the edge, when everything looks blurry and confusing, right when the vertigo starts to kick in and you think you might fall you realize that flying is altogether too possible. the sudden clarity is rather enlightening. so here i stand looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel, realizing its brighter than i ever thought it could be.

i have a place to be this summer

i have support from the loved ones of my life

i need to dance all the time

i am soooooooooooooo bored.

the end.

*drool*

am i really a home wrecker? That would be awful.

Learning languages that have no use in the world is quite difficult and very unsatisfying. I really don't know what possessed me to do this. when characters look like they are scrawled on paper towels and then reorganized to create some semblance of meaning, its no surprise that the language died!

i should have let it die there, and not disturbed it. and yet i forced it out of a place of temporary hiding, and now its alive again. now if only i could actually GIVE it life. translation. blech.

for the few of you who actually follow my blog, most of you will have noticed that i am drifting between blissfully happy and miserable.

the one who calls me wednesday is the blissfully happy part of my life. my brain, on the other hand, is the part that is making me miserable.

need not to worry, for i am fine.

feeling lost. completely alone. and yet i am not alone.

so i discovered today that my presenting 'learning disorder' that i have recently uncovered is normal for people like me to encounter when begining to practice/accept Buddhism. Buddhism teaches you to let go of your lots and clear your mind. the result, at times, is presenting yourself as spacey and an inablity to do basic tasks. who knew?

i think there is a much bigger problem beyond jay's assumed ADD diagnosis or frederick's buddhist diagnosis. i think i am wasted. gone. lost. simply broken. perhaps i need to search myself and figure out what i really want. because what i have in my life now is not what i want. i do not want to be a smith student...a popular friend among lesbians...attractive...i want to be loved by one person and one alone.

i simply want to be alone and in the quiet of my jumbled, completely broken mind. yet at the same time isn't that what i have been doing? isn't that what has broken me down? i just need to escape for a few days, weeks even. get away from it all.

i feel completely unable to comfort those that i love right now. from the past to the present to the future. each of them have begun to seek others for solace. am i really that incapable of giving the loving attention that they need? has it boiled down to the idea that they don't feel comfortable with me? isn't that what being in a relationship of any kind is all about?

and yet, all i want to do is snuggle down into my bed alone and read the red thread of passion and learn why i am so disconnected from everything. yet if she was to invite herself to join i would be most obliged and excited. seems entirely out of the question because i do not offer succor to anyone. i'm disconnected. shattered. i need to begin to understand what needs to be fixed....

Not that i hold any of this against anyone. considering that i have no ability to give myself succor or love, its no surprise that i can't give it to other either. so i am going to begin to figure all of this out, with the one who calls me wednesday, hopefully involved....

and yet the large ass dictionaries to my right say otherwise. tibetan it is.

certain people in my life have always had the ability to make my heart skip beats, and talking to them always makes life more interesting.

maybe someday the galaxy will make sense.

HA!

when things hit too close to home i hide.

nothing seems to make sense in all honesty. looking in the mirror is like looking at a shell that a soul is staring out of--and yet slowly that shell seems to be disappearing. i'm in shock, because it is that shell that has been protecting me all my life. and as the contrived 'i' melts away, i am begining to feel more and more vulnerable; entirely exposed.

and yet it feels so fantastic to almost look at myself and see who i want to see in the mirror.

mirrors are uncanny aren't they.

sometimes everything falls into place and makes sense. this is not one of those times.

this weekend at the women in buddhism conference i have met some amazing people. i was able to spend some time with some very inspirational people such as bell hooks. if you don't know who bell hook is...look her up. also i was offered internships, touched by buddhist nuns as i jumped remembering that all nuns are not bound to no physical human contact, and ate amazing indian food.

life is all perfect, except in the realm of love. maybe i should just disappear for a few weeks, or a week even. the thought of it all makes me nauseous.

why does being in love hurt so much? damn.

i am having a hard time understanding why i even care about school anymore. it seems as if the more i care the worse i do in classes and the worse i do in general. i mean honestly, college is very much over rated. blah blah blah i know i need to finish, but in all honesty it is pointless for me to continue in this current pattern. i guess i just feel so trapped.

so instead i have adopted a new policy (much to the disapointment of my parents) that i will simply do my school work the best i can, which probably means that i will continue in a similar pattern or grades. so be it.

if graduate school is really going to simply look at my grade and ONLY my grade then that will NOT be the program for me.

i want to write a thesis

i want to graduate from college

i want a job this summer

i want an apartment and a kitten too

i will live off campus in the fall

i will not accept not going abroad

i want to surround myself in cashmere.

i feel lost and alone.

i want to be home.

and on that note i wish i could explain to you how much felix cutillo means to me. (read: one of the best dj's in the world)

oh and the wicked soundtrack made me ball like a baby today. one of four times i practically balled. number two would be talking to my grandmother about the house in wisconson. (which is not in the will for my mother and as such will never belong to me, problem: soul is in door county) three would be when i talked about cambodia and then my grandmother offered to fly me there again. last would be hearing about the pope, i watched the news in awe and terror and relief and cryed.

so life should be great for the most part, and yet i feel so empty.

maybe it has to do with the idea that the world is coming to something. who knows what, but something for sure. the pope's death today (may he rest in peace) sparked something in me. i think i realized that people like him, who fight so valiantly for peace are few and far between. his death made me realize how much closer the dalai lama is to passing on. once he is gone there is not another one to follow in his stead, and this breaks me apart. who knew that the death of a man who i spent so much of my life being frustrated with would gather up so much emotion and angst within me.

oh! and i am looking forward to kissing you again...indeed i am.

boston...fantastic.

oma (my grandmother) and i have been tearing about this place like mad women. i think half the stores in boston saw our faces yesterday. we had a blast though. today we head to cambridge (in the pouring rain) to check out harvard (where she wants me to go to grad school. HA!) and then to the apple computer store to hook me up with some electronics perhaps. at least that is my hope.

on thursday night she took my friends and i to dinner. i was shocked at what i did not know about her. i don't think i have ever given my grandmother enough credit. it is really my mother that makes her crazy. she seems almost normal when it is just the two of us. she does not even repeat things that often. yet when she does...its exactly three times and it can be enough to drive a girl crazy.

so i'm in love in so many ways right now.